Dazzling Wings

Why Did I Marry an Abusive Man?

2010-05-12T10:07:00.000-05:00

Recently I was interviewed by a radio program called Wise People with Jim Norman. The interviewer was puzzled about why people enter more than one abusive relationship. He said something to the effect that, “I’d think they would have had enough of that and steer away from abusive people.” If only it were that easy.
I’d had enough of abuse after the very first time I was raped as a small child, but that didn’t give me the capability to avoid future abuse. In fact, it made me a likely candidate for more abuse from others. At 46 years of age, I have now reached the place where I do recognize abusers and controlling people and I do steer away from them. But it took time and healing to reach this place.

This week I re-wrestled my way through the guilt and shame that surface when I wonder why I married an abusive man when I tried so hard to avoid anyone who reminded me of my father. I saw only surface similarities and differences. My boyfriend carefully hid his abusive traits while we dated. I must have had some attraction to what seemed familiar even though I did not want more abuse. In fact, I wasn’t sure that I even wanted to date anyone, but this charming older man swept right past my defenses. He liked the timidity, shyness, and compliant nature that he found in me. I liked that he was so outgoing and had such an easy time communicating about emotions.

Why did I marry him? I agreed to marriage because I didn’t know how to say no. I agreed because I was exhausted from trying to protect myself and thought a wedding ring would put an end to men flirting with me. I agreed because I was young (18 years old) and did not know the significance of the disconcerting behaviors my date sometimes exhibited. I noticed the irregularities but didn’t know what to do with them except to excuse them. I agreed because I thought my love would help him to become less insecure and wounded. I agreed because my own self-confidence was wounded and I thought this might be the only person who would want to marry me; I considered myself as worthless and soiled from the incest my father perpetrated against me. I agreed because I had never been to counseling, and in fact, didn’t even know it was an option. I agreed because loving the other person and being willing to work hard were the only requirements for marriage that I’d ever been taught. I loved him and I’d always been a hard worker. Perhaps, you Reader, have such a list yourself that led you into a second or third or fourth abusive relationship.

The fact is that we are doomed to more abusive relationships until we engage in a journey of honest looking back and seeking God’s healing of our wounds. . Until we believe that we have significance in God’s kingdom, we’ll be attracted to people who devalue us. Until we know that we don’t magically make good people into abusive people, we’ll believe that others must be better than we are and miss important clues about an individual’s character. Until we know how to say no, we are vulnerable prey to abusers. Until we learn how to accept our emotions and how to take care of our needs, we look like the fatted calf to hungry predators. Until we depend upon God’s wisdom instead of our own, we are easy targets. It doesn’t seem fair, but it is our reality.

The great news is that God can heal our pain! God can help unscramble the twisted beliefs that we carry in our minds, hearts, and souls after surviving abuse so that we can replace lies with scriptural truth
Let’s cry out to our loving God for the help that we need. His help is good, ready and available. We can trust Him even if we haven’t in the past. We can trust Him even if we’ve learned to never trust anyone. We can give God a try and see what He can do with our wounded selves.

P.S. I apologize for the long silence. I have been ill with a transformed migraine.

Interview with a Survivor who is Healing

2010-04-15T17:49:00.004-05:00

Mary DeMuth is a fellow writer and a fellow survivor of abuse. She is on her recovery journey just as most readers of this blog are. I recently had the privilege of reading her transparent, newly published book, Thin Places: A Memoir. I wanted to interview her to find out more:

Tanya: When you were twenty would you have written this type of memoir? Why or why not?

Mary: No, I wouldn’t have written anything. I hadn’t walked very far in my publishing journey. Plus, I hadn’t experienced enough healing to be able to tell the story with redemption.

Tanya: Some Christians think that if you’re a “good” Christian who is doing the right stuff for God, then you will be protected from all harm. What would you say to such a Believer?

Mary: It’s a false conception of the gospel to think that Jesus calls us to have easy lives. We are to follow Christ. And look what He did. He suffered. He chose His Father in the midst of that suffering. Why do we think we’re owed a pain-free life when Jesus didn’t have one?

Tanya: Thin Places: A Memoir is a transparent book in which you reveal personal information, such as being sexually abused as a child, what has enabled you to share so openly?

Mary: I’m really not sure, except to say God has uniquely gifted me to tell the truth and be authentic. It comes easy to me, for some strange reason.

Tanya: What would be your advice to a reader who has also been sexually abused?

Mary: Talk about the abuse. Share it with a trusted, loving friend. Sharing your story is the first step. Then consider counseling.

Tanya: I love that you wrote about the impact that childhood abuse has had on your intimate relationship with your husband. Our sexual life gets messed up when we’ve been violated by another, but it isn’t the type of topic that goes over well in social settings. Why do you think that more women don’t share with one another about this important topic?

Mary: Because it’s a taboo topic. Yet it shouldn’t be. We share that we struggle with weight loss, or friendships. We might even share struggles in our marriage. I will say, though, that it’s best to start your sharing in this area with your spouse. Open communication will help a lot, particularly if your spouse unknowingly is doing things to trigger flashbacks of the abuse.

Tanya: What hope do you cling to when you feel frustrated that past abuse still scars your present life with the good Christian man whom you’ve married?

Mary: God is always in the process of changing me. Even when it feels slow. I rest in that. I’ve seen enough healing to know that it will continue to happen as long as I yield myself to Jesus.

Tanya: I hate the way the shame of abuse lodges so deeply in our hearts as victims while those who perpetrate such crimes may or may not feel any shame. Have you had any issues with this shame and do you have any Bible verse that has helped you keep a Godly perspective?

Mary: Shame weaves its way through me, so much so, it’s hard for me to pinpoint it. I love this verse in Hebrews: fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2). Jesus despised the shame too. Yet He learned to endure it because of the joy set before Him. That helps me persevere through today’s shame knowing I’ll be wiped free of it in heaven.

Tanya: On the cover of your book there is a girl hiding her eyes as if in hide and seek, with a grin peeking out and knees smudged from play. They girl looks to be elementary school aged. Is it a picture of you? If so, tell us about the pictures on the front and the back of your book.

Mary: Yes, that’s me. My father took both pictures.

Tanya: In the Psalms, King David did a lot of looking back to remind his soul of all that God had faithfully done. Looking back can help us to see God’s grace. If you could only share one thing about God’s grace, what example would you share from your own life?

Mary: Losing my father at ten, while traumatic, was the impetus for me to search for a Daddy. I found that Daddy in Jesus at fifteen when I heard the gospel at a Young Life camp.

Tanya: God is a major player in your life story. What are two things about Him that have had an especially deep impact on you so far in your life?

Mary: His nearness. I love that God comes near in surprising ways. His love. Yet, I still struggle with really feeling His love.

Tanya: What do you mean when you refer to God’s severe mercy?

Mary: Sometimes God’s mercy comes wrapped in awful wrapping. Sometimes it’s through loss and pain that we finally begin to let go of fear and start to trust the Lord.

Tanya: Pornography has an addictive quality that can be quite destructive to those who have been abused. I applaud your courage in sharing your own journey with pornography. If a reader of my blog struggles with feeling attracted to pornography, what are three things you’d like her or him to know?

Mary:
1. You are not alone.
2. Hiding it makes it stronger.
3. God will give you the courage to share the struggle with a trusted friend and will deliver you through a journey.

Tanya: I identified completely when you wrote about feeling marked by being a victim of rape. It is a feeling that I think all victims share. It’s as if other perpetrators somehow know… For any reader who is feeling that they are still marked, what encouragement would you like to share with them?

Mary: I wish I could say that the mark goes away. Perhaps it fades a bit. I have to be vigilant when I’m in social situations, especially when men are present. I forget that there are still predators out there, even at my age. My encouragement is that the more you fill up with Jesus, the less the mark attracts others.

Tanya: Is there anything else you’d like to share with those who are in the process of recovering from abuse?

Mary: Prayer is really the key of my own recovery. Not just me for myself, but others diligently praying for me. Pray that God would send you praying friends.

Tanya: Please tell us the details about when and where we can purchase your book?

Mary: You can buy it here: http://www.amazon.com/Thin-Places-Mary-E-DeMuth/dp/031028418X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262712444&sr=1-1

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for Mary DeMuth and her ministry as a writer and as a Christian. Please continue blessing the work that she is submitting to you. And please send praying friends for each reader of this blog who is recovering from abuse. Amen.

God Holds Us

2010-03-24T12:45:00.002-05:00

How I wish sometimes that God promised to protect us from all hardship in this life. But he didn't. In fact, Jesus warned his followers that they would face trials. Life is not easy for anyone, and even more so not for those who follow Jesus. For Jesus' way involves fearless love that moves us in directions that we would otherwise avoid at all costs. He walked up Calvary's hill in victory AND in pain. Love made the pain endurable.

How I cried out to God after different abuses, wanting to know why! And how I still have moments of crying out in agony as I continue to face the sexual abuse and many rapes that happened over forty years ago. It turns out that the earliest abuses were the hardest to face and have required the greatest amount of faith to process. When my earthly father began betraying me with harsh deeds that shattered my trust and innocence, I was a little and so helpless. I had no defense that could save me. I could only flee in my mind, doing my best to vacate my body so that I would not continue to feel the horrible pains. How I wish that my loving heavenly father had assigned me to be raised by a gentle father. How I wish that he'd protected me and snatched me away from my harsh father. But that isn't normally how things work in this fallen world. And so I suffered, just as so many others have.

But I did not have to face it all alone. My heavenly Father held me. In my room, as a little violated preschool girl, I tried so hard to keep my mind from the abuses. I was wound up tight and could not rest in any pose long. My mind tricks were crumbling and my eyes wanted to cry but my mind said that would be the end of me. And then I felt God's presence, not that I had a name for Him yet, He just was part of my world. He came and held me, comforting me and telling me that everything would be okay. He stroked my hair with tenderness and held me. He held me in a safe and loving, nonsexual way. He held me and I fell to sleep that way.

To this day, there are times when I desperately need a daddy, and I have a very loving One, who I now know is the great I AM, Lord above all Lords--and my Comforter, my Daddy/Abba.

And how my heart swells as I realize that God loves all the children and grown-ups who have been abused by a parent, spouse, date, or captor. All of them! How great is His love and how available is He! He cares, Reader! Just ask Him to help you feel Him holding you.

Marital Relations

2010-03-17T18:53:00.006-05:00

I won't forget different scenes in Thin Places A Memoir by Mary E. De Muth anytime soon. The scenes are powerful and the language engaging. For some of this blog's readership this book may be triggering as it shares about sexual abuse and feelings of being marked for other abusers, but it is a moving book that spotlights God's redemptive, life-giving grace.

Reading this book, brought to my attention that I haven't blogged on a very important topic: sex in marriage when one or both parties have experienced abuse from a former partner and/or parent. Perhaps I hadn't tackled it because it is such a sensitive subject and not a very comfortable one for this layperson to write about. But Mary E. De Muth brought it up, and it empowers me to write on this important topic too.

As an incest survivor and a former abused wife, I found it easy to relate to Mary's experiences. Not because our past or present experiences are identical. They are not. But because we speak the same language of inner struggle that is a direct result of past abuse. And we both look to God for answers.

For those who are eager for bottom lines: The good news, you can enjoy sex, even if you were abused in the past. The bad news, the sexual experience is marred by the former abuse. It's unfair; but it's true.

And really, when we stop and think about it how could it be otherwise? Abuse of all types attacks our self-worth and self-perceptions. When we give the gift of ourselves to our partner, how can that damaged sense of self not interfere? Abuse of all types destroys our sense of the world being a safe place and it robs us of the ability to trust at the deepest levels. Making love involves trust and safety, so we notice our internal damage at seemingly random moments during intimacy with our beloved. Abuse lodges fearful questions in our hearts that may push forward at the most awkward of times. And for those of us who have been sexually abused the damage is even more intense and pressing in the bedroom.

I love my current husband deeply and trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone. But the sexual abuse I have experienced has been a force to be reckoned with at different times in our marriage, especially in the beginning. I remember curling up into a tight fetal ball position when my husband wasn't interested in sex on the same night I was. Deep shame gripped me and fear pummeled me. Sexual abuse memories had me by the throat. I was so ashamed and confused by the experience. "Why would a woman who'd been raped be interested in initiating sex?" an ugly voice whispered in my soul. It was a tangled mess. No one had warned me that such confusion might occur after I finally found someone I could trust.

I also remember feeling safe, totally safe, in my husband's arms and then being assailed by a voice of panic inside. Was I really safe with this man or was it all a lie? Was I going to become the victim once again? I have now been married to this man for over a decade and know, really know, that he is a good man and that his love for me is sincere. And yet, now and then, I am still startled by a sudden attack of fear, an intense feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the familiar experience of being tricked and betrayed to spring up and grab me.

I don't want this post to become over long or overwhelming to read. Suffice it to say, that I know what it is to yearn for the day to come when my sexual relations with my husband will never be infringed upon by past abuse. Wouldn't that be amazing! As good as my sex life with my husband is, I've wondered to myself what it would be like to have sex that is never, not ever, overshadowed by past memories or high-jacked by yucky feelings.

I've shared these things in the hopes that it will help others who have been abused know that it is normal to see the shadows of abuse in their most intimate moments. It is sad, but not the end of the world. As we learn to trust God and our marriage partner and then honestly reveal our struggles, our healing continues. Moments of great stress or confusion may still be ahead for us, but so to are times of healing and refreshment. We can experience intimacy and rejoice in the wondrous moments. We can receive healing through really difficult and embarrassing discussions. We can release a deep breath and realize that we are quite normal folks, with hurts that take time to heal and hopes that illustrate our amazing resilience and our growing faith.

Releasing Shame

2010-03-12T11:21:00.004-06:00

A Sesame Street book taught me a revolutionary principle when my children were young. As I read the often requested book to my kids, it's truth sunk into my soul. The book's title, Everyone Makes Mistakes said it all. Big Bird had a rough day of blunders, including pulling down a long line of freshly cleaned laundry down onto the ground.

In my childhood, I would have been sweating and worrying big time if I did something like that. Most likely I would have paced, feeling frenzy and panic, debating with myself what I should do. I would have thought of going in and making a confession and bravely bearing whatever the consequences were. I would have thought about running off to a friends and behaving as if I knew nothing about the situation. I surely would have felt like running. I hated how small and helpless I felt under my mom's fury that was sometimes icy and silent and other times quite loud with yelling and punctuated by spanking or yanking. I would consider the possibility of confessing to my dad, because sometimes he seemed nice, but most of the time he seemed very gruff and angry in a very controlled way, and he had a way of making me feel utterly stupid.

And then there was the secret that I tried to keep even to myself. The horrible incest that tore me apart and felt like it would kill me. My dad was the one who did those things to me. So I avoided my dad when I could and felt relief when he did something nice or when he was distant and unapproachable.

The options just weren't pretty in my non-picture book life. But I was a good girl. What sense of self I had was tied up in trying to please my parents and earn their affection. I was never good enough but I kept on trying anyway. So, I would have told the truth. I would have faced consequences, feeling brave inside and proving it by trying to suppress the tears that threatened to spill. I would have felt like a failure. I would have been "ashamed of myself," just as my mom chastised me to be so many times. I would have felt so small and worthless--because I messed up and did something wrong, again, despite good intentions.

But in the Sesame Street book, Big Bird doesn't hear, "Shame on you!" No, he didn't. He heard life-giving acceptance of our common human condition, even though he was a bird. He was told over and over, "Everyone makes mistakes" and was allowed to fix the results of his mistakes. As I recall, he even re-washed the laundry with the kind help of an adult.

My children loved the book and so did I, after I wrestled through my old memories that were so contrary to the simple picture book. One day when I apologized to my daughter about missing an important date on the calendar, she smiled at me and said, "It's okay, Mom, everyone makes mistakes." Such a gift she gave me! I felt like weeping, but I gave her a smile and said, "You're right! We all make mistakes sometimes, don't we."

I wonder how many readers of this post have battled with shame. Misplaced shame is a common result from abuse. We feel deep shame over small things and feel absolutely buried under shame when we make mistakes that hurt others. And we feel shame that is really beyond description over the abuse that we did not initiate and could not control. We felt and continue to feel the shame that the abuser refuses to feel.

Once we are free from abuse, it takes time to let go of shame. Time to show kindness to ourselves when we truly do make a mistake. Time to refuse shame when it really belongs to the abusive person(s) of our memories. Healing takes time, but it does happen when we allow it. Our Lord is powerful, good, and kind in his ways and he is ready to give us a big, gentle hug as He wipes away our stress with an understanding smile. "It's okay. Every human on the planet makes mistakes. Share your pain and confusion with Me, I'll comfort you and help you sort things out."

We don't have to keep carrying shame. Jesus can take it away and leave us with peace and gratefulness. One memory at a time, one day at a time, we can walk with Him and release the shame.

Self-Talk

2010-02-13T17:05:00.005-06:00

What do we say to ourselves? Do we say things that encourage ourselves and build ourselves up? If we've been abused, then we may not. We may actually use the abuser's voice and words to tear ourselves down. We may do it without thinking.

It is a challenge, a continual challenge for me, to rewrite the "tapes" that play in my head. First, I have to be self-aware enough to catch what I am saying to myself and what automatic assumptions I am making. If I can "hear" myself, then I can make new choices. I can do a do-over and say something more encouraging and true.

This morning I realized that I was just too tired to participate in a neighborhood garage sale, so I didn't load up my stuff to take to a neighbor's driveway and then sit outside in the cold for 4 hours. Instead, I went to the sale with some money in my pocket and bought some items from my neighbors. I was out in the cold air a much shorter time than I would have been otherwise. It was the right move for my body that is still recovering from a bad head cold.

The interesting thing is that I assumed I was going to be "in trouble" somehow. After all, I hadn't done what I said I would do. I had "failed" according to the tape inside me that pushes me to be "perfect." I am combating that voice today. I didn't fail. I actually took another positive step in responding to my own needs in a positive, nurturing way. For years my needs were a problem to be ignored. But I am no longer in a dysfunctional environment. I can choose now, and I do, to practice being kind to myself and addressing my needs in a respectful and caring way.

How about you, Reader? Did you have an opportunity recently to practice a new tape to replace one of your old dysfunctional tape? Or do you have a tape you'd like to try changing? If any of your tapes include words such as lazy, stupid, selfish, needy, ugly, a failure or not good enough, I urge you to talk to someone trustworthy about it and try replacing the old message (that is a lie anyway) with something that you'd say to a friend. None of us need to stay stuck in the mindset we were loaded down with as victims of abuse. Today is a new day that we can live in a healthier way by practicing a gentler voice with ourselves.

Teaching Our Children

2010-02-05T15:09:00.003-06:00

It is our responsibility to teach our children. Most of us know that on a deep internal level. But what shall we teach them? In this age of relativism and DNA awareness, what truths will we send forth into our family trees?

I urge all of you to write your own list of values that you would like to pass on. What do you think is essential for future generations? What truth or knowledge has helped you tremendously in life? What raises your passion, your sure loyalty and energy to defend? What do you hope your grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be like?

Working on a list will strengthen your resolve and equip you to be intentional in how you behave and what you say. It will strengthen you to do things even when you don't feel like it. It will help you to do things for the next generation that no one did for you. It will help you to be your best self.

My list includes modeling kindness and teaching my children to respect others. Not the type of respect that is modeled by the world--not a kind of respect that depends on power or performance. I have wanted my children to understand on a deep level that they are special and unique, and so is every other human being. Respect among equals is powerful and lovely; I want my children ready to find and keep such relationships.

I want my heirs to know that there are situations in which they need to stand up for themselves, because some people will unknowingly step on their personal set of boundaries and need to be taught the limits of those boundaries. I also want my young sheep to be wary of the wolves in the world, who are prone to be controlling or abusive. I want them to respect that those people are choosing a lifestyle that is toxic to others around them. I want my children to respect themselves enough to stay away from poisonous relationships.

What is something that would be on your list? Give it thought. It could make a huge difference in the years to come.

Is this?

2010-01-27T17:50:00.004-06:00

Is it good for you? A short question with huge ramifications.

As former victims, we are more likely to base decisions on unconscious questions such as "Will the other person be mad if I say I don't want to do this?" or "I can survive a little more; what difference will it really make?" or "Will my doing this help this other person out?"

I am learning that this other-focused way of making decisions is insidious and well ingrained. It may have helped me in the past. Perhaps caring more about the other's reaction or needs, rather than evaluating my own condition and needs gave me at least gave me some illusion of power in situations of powerlessness.

But now that I am free from abuse and establishing a more healthy lifestyle, I need to know how decisions will affect me. I need to know if a food choice, medicine choice, or relationship choice is good for me. It turns out that I have a staring role in being responsible for my own health choices. Will I spend time with someone who drains me? Will I do something I do not want to do, because somebody important to me thinks that I should? Will I eat a food that has no nutrient value? Will I alternate sitting and standing throughout the day to respect my physical limitations?

How about you? Do you need to think about whether choices are good for you? The good news is we make many decisions daily so there is plenty of turf on which to practice. Start asking yourself, "Is this good for me?"

If we don't know whether or not something is good for us, we can ask the God who has promised to give wisdom to all who ask.

God, bless our minds with your wisdom, our hearts with receptiveness to the truth, and our wills ready to act in line with Your will. Amen.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5 (NIV)

Sex Trafficking

2010-01-17T17:02:00.003-06:00

Twelve years old is the average age of girls who are sexually trafficked in the United States. Most of them are girls who ran away from an abusive home. I learned these facts at church today and didn't know whether to scream or cry! In my own country! Twelve years old! At puberty's onset for the early birds and ahead of it for the majority of girls. How horrifying!

What can a former victim do to help protect and free current victims of sexual crimes? It is a question that I think most former victims ask at some point. How can we help end the pain and the tragedy? How can we save children from the anxiety, danger, and shame?

I still need to read and digest the literature I brought home, but one thing is clear. This is a problem and different organizations are banding together to give it attention. These groups include the Emancipation Network,The Salvation Army, Faith Alliance Against Slavery and Trafficking, US Department of Health and Human Services,and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. I am also aware of another group The Silver Braid. Giving support to any of these organizations or participating in their programs is one way we can help.

Other possible ways to help might include:
1. Educating ourselves and then educating others on the problems of sexual exploitation and sexual abuse of children.
2. Speaking up, having a voice, when the topic is brought up anywhere.
3. Report it whenever we have suspicions that a child is being abused or exploited.
4. Teach our sons to respect women.
5. Treat pornography as evil and educate your children about how damaging pornography is to both individuals and society.
6. Put porn protection programs on our family computer.
7. Let the shame be the perpetrator's and share our story with others. It helps others to know where to turn for help. It also helps educate others around us on the helplessness of a dependent child and the damage caused by abuse.
8. Create a home in which all family members feel safe, loved, and respected. Allow children to have a voice.
9. Get help and support from counselors and organizations if any of your children are ever sexually abused by someone. Don't let family or friend connections stop you from getting your child and yourself help.
10. Carry phone numbers of help agencies in your purse, so that you'll be able to give the information to someone who is hurting.
11. Pray for the children who are being abused.
12. Follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Someday your obedience may allow God to use you to change a child's life.

We are former victims. We understand the pain. We are no longer helpless. We can help to whatever extent God urges.

Impediment to Relaxation

2010-01-06T17:09:00.003-06:00

A former life full of abuse does not make one laid back. Truly, deeply relaxing is foreign when you've spent years being on constant alert, watching your abuser and assessing your level of danger. Like a rabbit or dear, your ears are attuned to the constant threat of the predator.

Years after I stopped engaging in abusive relationships,I realized that I was rarely relaxed. There was always a tightness inside and always a suspicion that at any moment abuse might walk back into my life. Working on abuse survivor issues with a qualified counselor has helped considerably, but relaxation itself has taken concentrated effort for me. I am improving step by step.

I recently a doctor mentioned to me that "sometimes you just need to relax and watch a good movie." I love a good movie, but too often I keep my hands and eyes busy doing something productive during my "watching." Splitting my focus like that doesn't allow for optimal relaxation. I knew it as soon as she made her comment. I need to allow myself to just focus on one thing at a time so that my mind and body can relax more.

I'm far from an expert on the topic of relaxation, but I am writing about it anyway because it is important. Not just nice, but necessary. God didn't design our bodies to be on constant alert, pumping adrenaline frequently. It damages the body over time when we never relax. I have learned this the hard way. My body has gone on strike and left me with fibromyalgia.

So how can we relax when we've been terrorized by one or more abusers, who insisted through words and/or actions that our needs had no significance?

Here is what I am discovering:

1. Getting to know God on a deeper level and asking Him to help me trust Him more has been revolutionary. I now know, absolutely know, that God is for me, not against me. I know that my Creator loves me. I know that my soul is safe with Him forever. Knowing these things with my heart and soul has made it safe to relax.

2. Relaxation exercises are helpful. The simplest one is to breath deeply and slowly, allowing your chest and stomach to rise and fall slowly and restfully. It brings down your stress level and sends lots of needed oxygen to your limbs.

3. Taking a warm bath (not hot) relaxes the muscles and the mind. Adding lavender or bath salts adds to the relaxation, as do light candles near by.

4. Sitting outside and staring at the clouds, the birds or the breeze moving the tree branches is soothing.

5. Exercise on a regular basis lowers stress levels. So set up a schedule and get moving. If you have been sedentary, start small(i.e. a 5-10 minute walk) and build up.

6. Spend social time with people who are upbeat. Life is too short to invest your precious downtime with negative people.

7. Learn to say no to overburdening your schedule. Every second should not be committed.

8. Repeat to yourself that it is healthy and healing to spend time doing things that you love. (It is not wrong or selfish!)

Let's say yes to times of relaxation, smiles, and laughter. This life is full of trials but it need not be all work and no play. You're too precious for that. You'd be worried if your child or sister refused to ever recreate or relax--you're just as important and your needs are just as real. So learn how to let go of responsibilities for a few minutes each day. Breath deeply and do something enjoyable and renewing.

Ways to Help Your Children Heal

2010-01-01T08:00:00.000-06:00

How can we help our children heal from abuse? As much as we would like to, we cannot wave a magic wand and fix all the broken places in their spirits. Abuse hurts everyone in the family. If we separate from the abuser and focus on healing for ourselves and our children--we have made a huge, positive impact on our children's futures. But there is much more we can do, if we focus on helping ourselves and our children to heal. Not just survive--but heal.

1. Ask God to heal you and your children. Too often we forget to ask, but without God's help nothing of lasting value is possible. God alone knows every hurting place in each child.

2. Resolve to create an abuse-free home. Resolve to never live in denial again. Both things will take effort, but the rewards will be invaluable.

2. Find counseling for you and your children. Don't let lack of money deter your search. There are counselors who give reduced fees. Ask for contacts from your church and from your county health department.

3. Trust your children's pacing. Allow them to initiate conversations about their other parent. Focus on listening. What is your child feeling or wondering? Respond simply and briefly.

4. Tell the truth in simple, calm language and tone when your child wants to know why you and the other parent are separated or divorced. Be trustworthy.

5. Keep as much routine in your life as you can. It will help the children feel more secure.

6. Do not drop discipline. Yes, the children have gone through a lot, but they need reasonable boundaries to feel secure and loved.

7. Create fun times with your children. It will lift all of your spirits and help relieve some of the stress. Try being silly now and then. An upside down dinner (dessert first) or a race across the park or playing follow the goofy leader can generate laughter that is much needed.

8. If you are divorced, don't date anyone for at least a year. Such a stand is not common these days but it could save you and your children from a lot of grief. Your children need some undivided attention from you. And you need time to heal enough to become attracted to non-abusers.

9. Pay attention to the quality of any daycare you need to use. Be picky. Your children don't need any more neglect or abuse. If something isn't right, confront the daycare provider and if that doesn't resolve the problem, look for new daycare.

10. Seek God's help in forgiving your abuser and yourself. Letting go of bitterness will go a long way toward creating a healing environment. I do not mean a quickie forgiveness that is ultimately artificial. Dig into real forgiveness that is grounded in truth about the wounds inflicted and the need we all have for a Savior. God can help you forgive at the best pace. All you need to do is to be honest and to reach a place of sincere surrender to the need for forgiveness.

11. Learn to take care of your own needs. You can't help your children if you are constantly overwhelmed and burnt out. Your abuser taught you that your needs were unimportant, but that is simply not true. Simple measures can make such a difference--ask the neighbors to watch the children and go on a walk, hike, or run, draw a warm bath and light a candle, or postpone a decision until after you've had a chance to calm down or to seek wise counsel. You bless your children when you treat yourself with respect and loving care. You're modeling healthy ways and teaching them that they too can voice their own needs.

It is not too late to help your children heal. Your children need you. Be present. Your actions will speak straight into their hearts, so show your love by treating them in loving and respectful ways. God will show you the way, just lean on Him and follow Him.

Holiday Strategy

2009-12-22T15:32:00.000-06:00

Holidays can be fun, but they also generate stress with the extra activities, the entertaining, and the extra expenses. For victims of domestic violence of any kind (verbal, emotional, physical or sexual) the holidays can be extra tough.

What does one do with bad holiday memories in the season that suggests that everyone should be happy and share in joyful family events? How do you handle it? What can you do when you feel more like crying than celebrating?

These are real and painful questions. There is pressure to have a Rockwell image Christmas with lots of warm family togetherness—but it isn’t always the way things really are. Sometimes old memories blot out the present.

I believe we can improve our holidays even while we are engaged in the process of healing from abuse. We can take actions, such as any of the following suggestions:
1. Take a Break
If you can, give yourself the gift of a break from counseling until after the holidays. If you are in crisis, then keep on going and reward yourself for attending. Go to a park or take a hike or visit an art museum. Do whichever calms you.
2. Get your Heart Pumping
Include a time most days to exercise. It will release endorphins that will lift your mood. Plus, as an added bonus, it will help your body burn those calories from holiday sweets.
3. Write Freely
Use your journal when old memories come up. Honor your feelings by recording them. Let your writing be uncensored. Journaling can help your process your thoughts and release your emotions all at the same time.
4. Find Fellowship
Share with a trusted person what you are going through. Let another see your pain. It really will help. Absorb the kindness, understanding, and caring that you receive. Let it sink in. Allow yourself to be comforted in your pain, knowing that talking and being heard will bring you further along in your healing.
5. Create Fun
Make time for your hobby or watch comedy movies. Doing something you enjoy will refresh and strengthen you. Do not consider this a waste of time—it isn’t. Don’t save it for last all the time—sometimes play first makes work happen at a more efficient pace.

May your holidays include restorative moments. May God help you to feel His presence during the season of celebrating the good news that Jesus Christ lived, died, and rose up to live again so that we might be reconciled to God. Hallelujah!

Do healthy things, dear Reader, it will reap so many benefits that will reap so many benefits that will encourage your heart. Let’s give Jesus our hearts and our healing process this holiday season.

Giving a Priceless and Pleasing Gift

2009-12-21T11:20:00.004-06:00

Years ago I wrapped an empty shoebox in birthday paper and cut a slit opening on the top. Its tag read: To Jesus Christ.

My idea was twofold. The box under our Christmas tree would help our children grasp that it was the coming of Christ as a baby that we were celebrating. And the slit on the top would be for index cards. Each family member has written a phrase on the card each Christmas about what they'd like to give to their Lord during the following year and put it into the box.

I already know what I will write on this year's card. I will give my Lord my willingness to continue to do whatever it takes to further my healing from childhood incest. The work is painful and sometimes I feel like calling it quits. But I will press on knowing that it is the right time-- the God-blessed time for me to heal.

I look forward to when my memories won't haunt me. When I won't feel shame at being noticed in any public setting. When I won't crave and then push away from deeper connection with people due to trust and shame issues. It will be so good to look at others without shame and to trust the trustworthy people with confidence.

How about you? What would you like to give to Jesus Christ in 2010? Is it going to be a year of continued healing from abuse?

Whatever season you are in remember that Immanuel (meaning God with us) is with you. He knows. He cares. He can help you. He can empower you by the Holy Spirit to do healing things that may seem impossible to you. He can do more than we even dare to imagine.

What Can We Do?

2009-12-08T18:16:00.004-06:00

We all agree that domestic violence is wrong. It is a tragedy that effects way too many homes. But what can any one of us do about it?

I think we can do more than we might guess. Those of us who have been there are positioned better than anyone else to offer understanding and encouragement to women and men who are still trapped in homes that are ongoing nightmares of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. Acknowledging our own past abuse story is painful, but it may be just what another needs to hear.

Here is a list of ideas on how any one of us might be able to make a difference:
--Call 9-1-1 if we hear a domestic violence situation at a neighbor's home
--Invite another out for a cup of coffee or a lunch, if they have indicated that they are having marital problems. Listen. Share honestly from your own experiences.
--Encourage your pastor to address domestic violence in a sermon.
--Share your testimony of your past and how God helped you--it is a story that glorifies God and may help another to seek help.
--Donate money &/or time at a domestic violence shelter.
--Post a shelter magnet on your refrigerator.
--Keep shelter information in your wallet so that you can pass it on when an opportunity presents itself
--Pray for those who are feeling fear in their own home.
--Pray for children who are witnessing abuse or being abused themselves.
--Hold a fund raising project for your local shelter.
--Speak up when you hear someone verbally bashing another.
--Write a letter to your editor when there is a news story about another victim of spousal homicide.
--Ask direct questions when another hints about abuse.
--Teach your children how to live Jesus' way.
--Don't allow sexist jokes in your home.
--Teach your children to respect other people's boundaries.
--Never pass up a chance to pray for someone who is hurting.
--Join a national abuse prevention organization.
--Respond with warmth and sensitivity any time someone shares about abuse.
--Pray asking God to use you however He wants to, and see what happens.

Loving lives lived authentically and transparently make a mighty difference in this world. Jesus said that we are shining lights. So let's do some shining, right where we are.

List Making

2009-12-08T17:58:00.004-06:00

Whenever I talk to someone who has recently separated from an abusive partner, I encourage them to make lists as soon as possible. Having thoughts written down while they are fresh can be a powerful motivator. Just the act of recording information onto paper can clarify our thinking and solidify our resolve.

First, list all of the reasons why you decided it was time to separate. Write down specific incidents and specific feelings. Write down the specifics about things your spouse has said and done. Write down your fears about what might happen if you were ever to return. Write down why this is a positive move for your children (or future children). Write down what hurts about the relationship.

Second, list all the fears you have about leaving, and then write down why you are moving forward despite your fears.

Third, list all your desires for the future. Write what changes you would need to ever return to your spouse.

Finally, list who you want to be, regardless of the outcome with your marriage.

These writing exercises will help you to clarify things. In the future, when you may be tempted to return to the abuser prematurely, re-reading the list can strengthen you.

For those readers who ended abuse a long time ago, allowing yourself to remember why you took action when you did is sure to fill you with gratitude for all that the Lord has done in your life since that time. Little did you know at the time that one of the my most painful decisions in your life would lead to a fulfilling life. Joy and peace seemed impossible then, but now that you are free from abuse and walking in freedom with your Savior--joy and peace are welcome gifts that grace your life in a way that just wasn't possible when you were oppressed by domestic violence.

Thankful for You

2009-11-27T11:27:00.002-06:00

Abuse is horrid. Period. But thinking of my thanksgivings, I am grateful for the beautiful people who emerge from the healing process. I am grateful for their strength and their compassion for others. They are people anyone would want to be friends with--loving people who walk closely with their deliverer. They are beacons of hope.

Abuse attempts to destroy, but God redeems and restores.

Shine brightly, sisters and brothers. Today is a new day with our Lord who is good and wise. Our healing journey is in His capable hands.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T13:19:00.004-06:00

With God involved even the darkest season can be punctuated with praise. He is with us and it makes all the difference.

Sing

Sing a song of praise, O my soul,
Sing to your deliverer
who has rescued you
from hurtful abuse
and undeserved shame

Sing a song of thankfulness, O my heart,
to your God who sees and understands,
whose goodness is present
intertwining itself in today

Sing a song of hope, o my mind,
your healing is secure
in your Heavenly Father's hand
forever etched upon His heart

Rejoice? Are you Kidding?

2009-11-16T16:46:00.003-06:00

When you're ankle deep in the junk of abuse, you don't feel like rejoicing. Looking at the evil things in this life is painful. It can feel awful if someone who doesn't understand gives you a cheer up, it's not so bad type of talk. Sometimes it feels like others think you should get over abuse violations in about a week. Which is totally unrealistic.

So please note, I am not telling you in this post to "get over it" or to paste a fake smile on your face.

Addressing memories of abuse is important for good mental and physical health. It is not fun, but it is important. However, past abuse does not need to be a twenty-four hours a day preoccupation. One good way to maintain balance while working through bad memories and difficult counseling sessions is to make an extra effort to practice gratitude.

Look for positive moments in your day. Take the time to notice how God is blessing you and tell him a quick thanks. Simple things like sparkling snow covered bushes, an encouraging phone call, or laughter with one of your children counts. Be on the look out, I know you'll find things.

Create positive moments. Intentionally give a smile, a friendly wave or a hug as a way to express gratitude to the people in your life. Say thank you to anyone who serves you in any way today.

As you attend to your emotional and physical needs, thank your Creator for your emotions and your body. As you eat, say thank you for the provision of food. As you drive, thank God for your vehicle or as you ride the bus thank Him for public transportation.

If you're blue about your past, try grounding yourself in the present by saying thank you for each person in your life whom you love. If it's a really bad day, try just saying thank you for the mundane things you take for granted like your hairbrush, your ability to walk, or the way clouds look in the sky.

Please notice, that I am not telling you to say thank you for abuse. Sometimes Christians think they have to. I think this is a misunderstanding of an important verses in which Paul encourages believers to rejoice in all things(Phillipians 4:4). He could rejoice that he escaped after being left for dead at his stoning, he could rejoice about having a relationship with Christ Jesus while he was in prison, and he could rejoice when his plans were thwarted because he knew the Holy Spirit was in charge. He didn't rejoice because he was a masochist, but because He fully trusted in God, he knew that no matter what happened next God would be with Him. And we can do the same.

At this time, I'm thanking God for fall sunshine, a quiet house, and my comfortable office chair. And I am thanking Him for the healing work that He is doing in your life and in mine.

It's Not About You

2009-11-13T11:02:00.004-06:00

Abuse is not about you. You did not deserve it or cause it.

If you've been recovering from abuse for any length of time you know this. At least you know it in your head. You've been in the healing process for awhile if you know it deep in your heart.

Unfortunately, society doesn't help you get these truths. People say things like, "You seem like a nice person, so what did you do to get him so upset?" or "You're pretty and smart, it is hard to understand why he did that!" As if women who aren't as sweet, pretty or smart deserve to be abused physically, sexually, or emotionally. And, as if men or children would never abused by women.

Once I was in a restaurant on Christmas Eve. A dishevled woman came in and frantically fumbled with the pay phone on the wall (this was prior to cell phones). She started putting coins in and then frantically called out, "Does anyone have a dime? I've got to make this call! My husband's going to kill me!"

She had everyone's attention. No one was eating or talking anymore.

I searched my purse and then nudged my husband.

He made no move.

I hissed, "I know you've got change. Please, give it to her." I had to nudge him again, then my husband who was big boned and a full 8 inches taller than most men got up and gave her change.

Just as he was returning to our table, a man came in and grabbed the woman by her hair and slammed her head against the wall, saying, "Enough, B-----. You're coming home where you belong." He looked at my husband in challenge.

It shocked me that no one else was doing anything. I stood with my cheeks flaming. I was so embarrassed that their were at least ten able-bodied men who were not moving and three other women who weren't responding outwardly.

My husband said, "Hey, man. Take it outside. You shouldn't be doing that here."

As if doing it elsewhere was fine.

In hindsight, I wish I had done more. I wish I had passionately implored that shocked, passive people get up and restrain the man until the police came. I wish I had tried to interfere physically if necessary. I wish I had said something to the woman that would help her battered spirit.

There was so much I did not yet understand about abuse.

Today, I want to urge all abused women to get help. Pray to God and then talk to people. There is hope. There is help. You do not earn or deserve the abuse, no matter what your abuser has told you. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1−800−799−SAFE(7233)) for help from people who can listen and direct you to local help.

Today, I want to urge all those who are recovering from abuse to reject the lies your abuser(s) told you. Reject the false accusations, the name calling, and the devaluing words. Refuse to accept the insidious implications, the condescending looks, and the sarcastic evaluations. Recite to yourself important, true words. You are valuable. You do have a purpose. You are lovable. You are precious to the Creator of the Universe. You did not cause abuse. You did not deserve the torture you survived. If your mind is arguing against such truths, keep persevering in healthy, healing activities--better tomorrows are ahead.

Do You Believe?

2009-11-09T18:10:00.001-06:00

Feelings can be so overwhelming. They can engulf thinking and feel too big, much too big. Too big to survive even, like a raging flood that destroys all in its path.

I have come such a long way in accepting feelings. I don’t live each day in a dark cloud of denial. I no longer keep lots of secrets from others and from myself.

I name feelings now and take a look at them. I can say that I feel confused, angry, disappointed, joyful, etc. I can acknowledge the emotions and allow myself to feel. I can decide what I want to do as a result such as celebrate the joy or cry the grief. I remember when I was totally numb for years and feel no desire to return there.

And yet, there are still days when I don’t want to feel. I have been working through long denied feelings surrounding the incest I suffered as a young child. I don’t like recalling the terror I felt. It feels huge. I don’t like remembering how I feared I might die. I don’t like thinking about how much I hated my dad when he was hurting me and using me. I don’t like remembering how I crawled under my bed or hid in a closet to hide from him. It is so uncomfortable to think back. There is a reason that I pushed all those memories down for so many years! I didn’t want to drown in the raging flood of emotions that felt way too big for a little girl and still hurt as a grown up woman.

I am looking at the feelings, knowing that it is part of a healing process. I’ve walked this same road with other issues from my childhood and my young adult years. I know that the fruit of facing the old shame is new life. I know that I will enjoy life more and live more freely after I face my pile of uncomfortable feelings.

But some days, it still feels almost impossible. The pain feels bigger than me. On those days, I tend to overeat or to eat forbidden allergy foods. I eat and feel a little better. Some endorphins bring temporary relief to the pain. I don’t like it for long though. It feels like I am copping out by hiding behind food and I don’t like how it causing me to gain weight.

I have been assured by other incest survivors that such pain is normal and that overeating is one of the typical coping behaviors. It helps to hear it.

And yet, I wonder if I would overeat if I did a better job at trusting God completely through this healing process. If I totally believed that He could carry me through this healing process would I seek comfort from a chocolate bar or a fudge sundae? What would happen if I asked God to comfort me and help me each time I feared drowning in tears? What if I were that trusting, knowing that He would comfort me and understand me? What if I believed enough to rely only on him? What if?

I want to grow into a woman of ever deeper faith and trust. God has been so good to me, over and over again. I know that he is compassionate and loving. I want to seek his mercy when I am in need of healing like the two blind men in the Bible who followed Jesus “calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" "Yes, Lord," they replied. Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"; and their sight was restored” Matthew 9:27-29.

God is able. Healing is easy for Him. He cares about each person’s problems.

I believe he can help me with the flooding emotions of old trauma. I am going to practice turning to Him more regularly and celebrate the times that I do it.

If you are a reader who has gone through this journey of facing difficult memories too, God bless you for your courage and perseverance. It is a long journey of healing--but a rewarding one.

Unconscious Manipulation

2009-11-03T10:54:00.003-06:00

One of the problems I've encountered as I reclaim life after abuse is unconscious manipulation. I learned some bad habits while living in dysfunction and abuse. Bad? Well, at the very least, they are habits that served a purpose formerly but now they interfere with intimacy in my most cherished relationships.

In an abusive situation, the person who wields power almost always gets his/her own way. We know that. We lived it. The bully got his/her way. Period. Or so it seemed.

In reality, the victim also got her/his way sometimes. Not with demands. Not with threats. Not with compromising or bartering.

Someone who has no visible power in a relationship has to use indirect and passive things to influence outcomes. She lies or omits information to influence the abuser's perceptions. He works slowly and poorly to urge the abuser to do something herself. She suggests a particular action, coating it in flattery or in self-belittling terms, so the abuser can easily claim the palatable idea as his own. She asks a question, not because she doesn't know the answer, but so the abuser can realize something. He agrees to do something and then "accidentally" breaks the tools or cannot begin because he "cannot find" what is needed.

We all want our way sometimes. It is human to want what we want. But I don't want to be manipulative. I want to continue learning the tools of equality. I want to believe, really believe, that I have the power to ask for my needs directly. I want to show my intelligence, without feeling that I must tone it down or hide it. I want to tell an important fact in a way that alerts the other that I am saying something true and important. I want make requests, without battling false guilt and shame-ruled embarrassment. I want to honestly state wants as well as needs.

I want to shed being a martyr or manipulator forever. The effort continues. It isn't easy to change lifetime habits, but change I must, for I deeply want the end result. But I am recognizing more quickly the times when I slip into indirect terminology or manipulative language. I am acknowledging why I do it. I am practicing saying things that are revolutionary for me. Things like, "Would you...", "I want...", "I need...", and "I like..."

If you can relate, I'd love to read your comments.

Traveling Together

2009-11-01T08:00:00.000-06:00

I was totally numb and shut down the day I was raped as a teenager. I couldn't think clearly. I could barely function. I went as usual to my water safety instructor class as usual--but got sent home as "ill" because I was not present mentally and had merely said I don't feel well when questioned.

By the next evening at bedtime, however, my emotions were screaming inside my head. I felt frantic one moment and then angry, despairing, and overwhelmed in other moments. I desperately prayed to God, asking him desperate things. I wanted God to turn back the clock and rescue me, I wanted Him to just take me up to heaven, I wanted Him to show me what to do next.

God didn't say yes to any of those requests. But He brought to mind a poem I had only read one time in a gift shop, the Footprints in the Sand poem:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

Copyright © 1984 Mary Stevenson

The authorship of the poem has been contested by several people, but I think this is the version I saw. At the time, it was printed as an anonymous author. But regardless of who wrote it, God used it powerfully. I don't memorize things easily, and yet, the poem came to my mind almost word for word perfect that night when I was seventeen.

I heard God reassuring me with the words and then the Holy Spirit reminded me of Jesus' words in Matthew 28:20: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Then I felt God's presence holding me until I finally feel asleep exhausted. From that day on, I've known deep in my soul that Jesus is faithful to His Promise. He is with us always. No matter how confused, stressed, or abandoned we might feel in crisis. He is Immanuel, God with us. We have a loving, eternal traveling companion who carries us whenever needed.

Who Are You Blaming?

2009-10-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

We human beings are pros at blaming. It comes easy. Adam and Eve blamed one another without hesitation. So who do we blame?

Whose fault is it that we have been mistreated, harmed, and abused? Who do we blame for the emotional, physical, and spiritual damage? Who do we blame for the fear that choked us and the helplessness that overpowered us?

Many of us who are survivors of abuse blame ourselves and/or God much more quickly than we think to blame the person who perpetrated the crimes against us. Strange, isn't it. But, nonetheless, many of us walk around with shame or bitterness tattooed on our foreheads. Not concretely, but oh so present.

If shame owns us, we are always blaming ourselves for everything. We feel inadequate, never enough. We are surprised if anyone seems to like us. We hide. We isolate. We try to dissappear or miss being noticed. We are embarrassed when we are noticed, sure there has been a mistake and that we will be found out. We struggle to believe that we have any worth, any value, and lovableness.

If bitterness owns us, we are antagonistic toward God, and often toward people as well. We are suspicious, sure that there is always a catch, always a punishment coming, always a let down around the corner. We are cynical. We sneer, even if only in our minds. We distrust. We count on problems, and plenty come our way. We struggle to pray. Sometimes anger just pours out of us in a gush. We don't understand why and we dismiss it as irrelevant or justified. We struggle to believe that we really have any of the worth or value or lovableness that we battle for.

If both own us, we are hurting horribly in a way that no one gets. No one is there for us, not really. No one understands. We are drowning.

All three ways are no fun. Blame boomerangs with a loud whack. It beats at us. It hurts us more than the party we want to blame.

Blame demands that the terrible results are someone's fault. Pain must be someone's fault. Staying stuck on pinning blame is easier than feeling the pain itself and easier than consciously living through the terrible results that exist, and easier than processing the losses. But easier isn't always better, is it.

Let's try something different. Let's seek God's help to face our pain, to name our losses, to see who we've blamed, to engage in the healing process, and to move on. Let's not allow abuse to define who we are. Let's grow and overcome!

Home

2009-10-28T13:15:00.001-05:00

Home is
supposed to be loving,
with wise counsel,
gentle hands and good correction,
accepting laughter,
and understanding.

We know it,
in our core,
from birth it seems--
so babies die from
emotional neglect,
toddlers become withdrawn,
preschoolers hide,
adolescents aim to please,
teens shut down or rebel,
and adults walk around numb.

What do we do if our family
was harsh and unsafe
a place of secrets and threats
of punishment about wrath
of boundaries squashed
and of rights nonexistent?
What do we do with our memories of
a cold place in which we survived,
clinging as best we could
to life, while dying inside?

There is no easy answer
no pain free solution
We must remember and grieve
the should ofs that weren't
the losses that we suffered
the pain that we carried.
We can heal, step by difficult step,
growing along the way,
re-learning how
to live,
to feel joy and to laugh freely,
with no fear entangling our feet!
Free to make mistakes--without
being crushed by shame
or to try new things without
his or her voice dragging us down.

It's not the easy road,
but it leads to riches for our spirit
It leads to making a new home,
planted in love and sustained by
God's grace,
mutual acceptance,
gentleness and kindness,
tenderness and forgiveness,
consistency and flexibility;
a new home,
that grows toward
what home should be, and can be today,
step by step.

Truly Loving Our Children

2009-10-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

Stressful! There is no better word for describing how it feels to parent a child in a domestic violence effected home.

What is the best way to be a good parent when your spouse is spinning out of control, doing and saying things that are not good parenting? What do you do when your child behaves violently and justifies, "But Daddy/Mommy does it"? The other parent does do it, but you don't want your child to grow up like that other parent. You don't want domestic violence perpetuated down into the next generation.

I remember feeling so confused, once I realized that the children were being negatively impacted by my spouses' tantrums. I wanted my children being nurtured in a loving environment. I wanted them corrected in a wise and loving manner. I wanted our home to be a safe place. I did not want them being abused!

At the same time, I felt the pressure of conventional wisdom that good Christians never divorce. I believed that keeping the family together was of paramount importance, no matter what.

I spent years convinced that my husband and I must work through "our problems" and victoriously build a godly home, no matter what my spouse's problems were. Over and over I heard in my head "for better or worse" and "in sickness or in health." I reached the point of knowing I was experiencing the worst part as emotional abuse became daily and physical abuse was peppered in here and there. So how was I supposed to fulfill my marriage vows and be a good parent? Due to domestic violence, the two goals were not compatible. They simply were not.

It's a difficult place to be in. Between a rock and a hard place doesn't do justice. It feels like being crushed between a mountain and a huge bulldozer. My heart goes out to anyone who is currently wrestling with the painful pressure. I urge anyone who is currently being abused (regardless of whether or not she/he believes the children are also being abused) to seek help from a domestic violence organization ( National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 ). Children cannot rescue themselves from abuse or from the negative effects of witnessing abuse--they need adult help.

For those of us who have been there but now live abuse-free lives-- we have guilt issues to deal with, don't we! No matter how we resolved the conflict, we struggle with or have struggled with self-incrimination.

I realized that the most loving thing I could do for my spouse was to confront all the abuse with a non-verbal ultimatum, moving away from our home with the children. It was also the most loving thing I could figure out to do for my children. I left with the children to keep them safe and filed for a separation, and then later filed for divorce. I did it all hoping with all my might that my husband would get the help he needed--so we, eventually, could be a family under one roof again. The doors to reuniting, however, repeatedly closed and we divorced. The marriage was not saved, but I created a non-abusive home for my children and a permanent restraining order worked to keep my former spouse from continuing to abuse the children on his parenting visits.

I am glad that I made those decisions. But when guilt attacks I feel regretful that I didn't take action sooner:

I regret that I didn't leave the abusive environment in the six years before we had children. If I had only know how things would just keep on getting worse...
I regret that one of my children had her arm injured by her raging father and that during the divorce process I learned that it had happened more than once. I felt horrible when I found out that she had silently witnessed spousal abuse while hiding behind a living room chair.
I regret that another child was choked by his father, and again I learned that it happened more than once.
I feel guilt that I suspected that someone at the daycare was mistreating him, when it was actually my spouse.
I feel guilt that I tried to never leave my children alone with their father, but I did not succeed. Sometimes, my need to refresh overrode my protective instincts and other times they were alone with him during daily life when I was in the bathroom, when my back was turned at the stove, etc.

Reader, I'm guessing that you have your own list. I have shared mine not to air dirty laundry, but to help us all know that this is a normal part of recovery. Some of our guilt is because we did something wrong, but much of our guilt is about condemning ourselves for not knowing then what we know now.

Here are some ideas that help me sort through the piles of guilt I am capable of burying myself under:

Whose voice am I listening to? Is it a former abuser or my conscience?
What did I actually do? What did I believe or think?
Did I know that it was wrong when I did it or believed it?
If I did wrong and I have confessed it to God, then I am forgiven. I merely need to remind myself that I am forgiven and move on.
If I did wrong, and just now realize it. I can confess it--and know God forgives me.
If it was really someone else who did the wrong thing in the past, I cannot change what was done. I can give a child a healthy explanation of the truth when they bring it up. I can seek counseling if a child is haunted by past trauma.
If I did wrong, but I was doing the best I could with what I understood at the time, then I need to forgive myself. I am a fallible human who makes mistakes and sins, just like everyone else. I must forgive myself so that I can graciously forgive other as well.

Don't drag around guilt continually. It won't help you or your children!

Satanic Abuse

2009-10-26T14:00:00.004-05:00

With Halloween approaching and Domestic Violence Awareness Month drawing toward its close, I want to address Satanic Ritual Abuse. I have had the privilege of knowing several courageous survivors through the years and am aware that October is an especially difficult month. So to those of you who have survived Satanic abuse, here is a poem that I hope will bring some of the peace of Christ Jesus to your wounded heart and soul:

It wasn't you
who stirred up evil
in parents who deprived you
and abused you

No child
asks for deprivation,
no newborn
was created for sacrifice,
no teenage girl
was destined for caging and
public raping.

You were told horrible lies
you were subjected
to unspeakable miseries
Your brokenness is understandable

You, dear one,
were created to love
and to be loved,
in pure and wholesome ways

You were born to people who had
sold their hearts and souls to the evil one
or to parents who were captured
and ensnared by his trickery.

Satan's power is real, as you well know,
but there is One who is more powerful,
who chooses to walk in love,
who treats his children with dignity,
respect, and patience in great abundance.
One who is Love and Light and Life loves you
and His grace can redeem even the most wretched
He is compassionate

He's outraged at what happened to you!
He is a safe refuge and a caring friend,
who will never betray you
and never abandon you.

The One who Christians call God
Is good,
Totally and irrevocably good,
No matter what Satan may imply.

He cares about you,
His love is deep and sure.
Pray to God and see what happens;
Read His Bible to know him better.

Flee from Satan--
Resist His lies,
and ask God for help;
Jesus Christ will not let you down

Long Awaited

2009-10-26T12:48:00.003-05:00

Tears well up
deep under
the surface of me,
invisible.

They swell
but I stare at
something, anything--
killing.

No tears allowed!
Big girls don't
cry over secret hurts
suppressed.

Abuse happened,
but must be buried
to protect well
the abuser.

Let go tired body,
release the old pain
acknowledge losses,
cry.

Cry healing tears;
it's right and healing,
so it's really more than
okay.

No one will be hurt;
the former terrorizing threats
will fall to the ground,
harmless.

Let tears, long needed,
water my shriveled hopes
and cleanse shame away,
renewing.

Going to Bat for Victims of Violent Crimes

2009-10-20T11:26:00.006-05:00

Times Up! is a brand new blog (http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/) I'd like to bring to your attention. I love that it will be focusing on solutions for victims of violent crime, with contributors being knowledgeable in different aspects of violent crime. What a needed site. It is my prayer that those who are suffering under an abusers control and those who are recovering from abuse will find comfort and solid help from the site. It is also my prayer that those working to help victims of domestic violence and other violent crimes will sharpen one another as they read each others' posts and visit each others' websites. I also pray that those who have power to make policies and laws will read the blog entries and be moved to improve the help that victims can receive.

I am honored to be one of the bloggers for Times Up! My "expertise" comes from my life experience, as you know if you are a regular reader of my blog. My solutions will be focused on how individuals can heal and create non-abusive homes.

My basic premise is that for every woman or man who frees her/him self from abuse and then heals from that abuse there is a whole web of other potential victims (children, grandchildren, cousins, friends, etc.) who learn an abuse-free lifestyle. Statistics show that typical victims enter more abusive relationships and expose their whole web of family and friends to more abuse. Healed and in-the-process-of-healing former victims, however, spread non-abuse in a powerful way and end up positively impacting not only their own circle, but also acquaintances and even strangers. The light that shines from a life that was held captive and is now free is attractive, and encourages hope and courage in others!

If any of you have ideas on things that you'd like to read about and know more about, please email me at TanyaTWarrington@gmail.com, your suggestions will remain anonymous.

My first post on Times Up! (http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/) will be posted on Thursday, October 22, 2009. I hope you'll take a look at what others and myself have to say in an attempt to help with solutions.

What is God's Role in the Story of Abuse?

2009-10-20T08:00:00.002-05:00

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers" Romans 8:28-29 (NIV).

God promises that he will work all things to good for Believers in Romans 8:28-29. This is quite different than saying that everything (including abuse) is good for us or happens to us for a good reason. Our society urges us to believe that everything happens "for a reason," a true but vague statement meant to reassure us in bad circumstances. I urge you to think about the reasons.

Sometimes natural nature events take place, like a flood or volcano erupting, but by far the majority of happenings in our daily life happen because people do "things."Most "things" happen because people make decisions and take actions. These actions are motivated by love or kindness and sometimes by greed or lust, or any other motives that we humans are capable of conceiving. Abuse "happens" when a human being decides to feed their lust or greed with perpetrating sinful acts against an innocent person(s).

God doesn't make sinful things "happen." The God of Christianity is not a puppetmaster who continually arranges each thing that happens to us for his own mysterious reasons. He occasionally directly intervenes in the events of history [such as when he made Balaam's donkey talk (Numbers 22:5-7) or when He parted the Red Sea for the trapped Israelites (Exodus 14:15-31)]. But for the most part, God's interventions are about transforming individual believers more into the likeness of Jesus Christ. His gentle whisper is heard. His leading as a trustworthy Shepherd is followed. His commands are obeyed. His Word is kept close in the heart. His grace is received. His love is cherished. And a life is transformed into a shining light that can influence others positively.

God is promising in Romans 8 that when we are ravaged by another person's sinful choices, he will work future good out of today's tragedy. For a believer, God is present in it all, transforming the pain into a series of opportunities to know Him better and become more like Him. He comforts us in our loss. He strengthens us to recover. He leads us into a better life. He uses our past pain as a way to give us ministry opportunities, because we can comfort others with the comfort that God himself has given us.

God is love. The Bible says it clearly from beginning to end. God's purpose isn't hidden. It is clearly stated over and over. He loves His people and wants to be in eternal loving relationship with them. God can, and sometimes does intervene in history, but it is not what he does most of the time. Most of the time, He courts us, urging us to allow Him into our hearts, in good times and in tragedy. Throughout our walk with Him he works through the positive and negative experiences we have, always coaxing us to become more like our Savior in our innermost being.

If we're not sure if we are His people and can rightfully claim this promise, we are only a prayer away. God's arms are wide open in welcome and he joyfully knocks at the door of our hearts. All we need to do is pray and ask Him to enter in and become the Lord of our lives, believing that He is God and that He sent His son to die for our sins so that we could be close to God and talk to Him whenever we want. God's kingdom is good and all are welcome, if only they will humbly ask.

Look for God's comforting presence. He didn't perpetrate abuse against you for unfathomable good reasons. Granted, He decided not to intervene, but it was because He knew He could redeem the situation with your willing cooperation. He knows He can help you and heal you. He knows that what the enemy meant for evil, our loving Lord will transform into something good, something redeemed, something that will reflect the glory of His Son.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers" Romans 8:28-29 (NIV).

Healing Blues

2009-10-18T08:00:00.002-05:00

Today, I tripped over a memory of former abuse. My heart picked up pace as I remembered and a surge of anger came with it. How much longer I wondered. I have not lived under abuse for the last decade and yet today I felt pain over a memory from twenty-five years ago.

I have had someone tell me that they think you can never heal from abuse. I immediately disagreed. God has healed me in many ways from abuse. I am not the same person that I used to be.

I just wish sometimes that the healing were quicker and that it did not involve pain along the way. I wish I could be healed without having to remember the emotions I stuffed away. I wish I could be healed without working out new behaviors with practice that involves failures as well as success. I wish that I could be healed without my involvement. I wish God would just touch me and it would be a done deal.

I've got the healing blues, full of wishes that don't match my reality. Full of woe.

So I'll work on singing on hope next to lift my mood, just like King David did in some of his psalms. It only takes a second to see the miracles that God has already done. I am free from abuse now after years of bondage! I am free! I'll begin there and remember what my life used to be and how much better it is now. I will be thankful for the many blessings I have now. I will remember how the previous tough situation was resolved--yes there was pain--but by walking through that valley, I reached a new pasture of plentiful provisions from God. My life improved. With hope restored, I will find the courage to move on.

I'll allow myself to feel my pain over the memory. I will feel. I will take those feelings to God and I will see what healing will unfold. It won't happen as quick as I'd like, but healing will grow and I will grow.

A new song is being written on the pages of my life. Some blue notes are there, but overall the tune is one full of divine glory revealed. It is a most excellent tune composed by God himself.

Mindset

2009-10-16T08:00:00.002-05:00

Assuming the worst and trying to prepare for it is a natural reaction to living with the constant stress and chaos of an abusive environment. But what about after you are away from abuse? How does such thinking affect us when we are building an abuse-free life?

Do you ever see yourself assuming the worst, projecting the worst possible scenario for a relationship or for tomorrow? Do you catch yourself setting your expectations really low about how others see you or how others will behave toward you? Do you try to protect your heart by always preparing for the worst?

When you don't understand someone's behavior do you assume the worst? Or do you tell yourself the worst about people who keep showing themselves to be trustworthy? Do you find yourself doing the opposite with people who behave in non-trustworthy ways, telling yourself that their intentions must be good or that you must be misunderstanding the situation in some way?

Welcome, once again, to the crazy world of carrying the scars of abuse. The great news is that we can grow out of this behavior. Here are the things that I am finding helpful in this process:

Ask God for His help. Ask Him to help you see things from His perspective, with His eyes.
Start spending most of your time with people who are habitually cheerful and positive.
Put your negative diatribe on a timer. Give yourself five minutes to dwell on the negative. Then intentionally switch to thinking about the positive possibilities, the noble things, the things worth giving thanks for, and the blessings you can see.
Write down in a journal what you will do if the worst turns out to happen and then consider the case closed, reminding yourself that in the non-abusive environment the worst rarely happens. But if it should, you've got it covered! It will free you to live in the present. Any time your mind wonders back to "what if...", you can remind yourself that you've already handled it--and return to living the present moment. It's a tough discipline, but it will repay you in pure gold.
Recognize who the people are in your life that encourage your negative spiral. These are relationships to eliminate or to limit contact with. If you must interact daily (such as in your employment), then focus on taking good care of yourself. Change the subject when possible. Do kind acts for others to cheer yourself up. Surround yourself with messages of cheer and of truth (Bible quotations are great). Intentionally do things that re-fill your emotional tank.
Exercise regularly. The endorphins released during a workout are proven to improve one's disposition.
Post Bible verses that speak to you where you will see them regularly (bathroom mirror, closet door, by your kitchen sink, on your coffee mug, in your car).
Journal five things you are grateful for each day.

Good luck, Reader! This journey can be bumpy, but if you try these things I feel confident you will find yourself spending less time negatively projecting into the future. You will be too busy living fully in the present.

Piles of Shame

2009-10-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

Piles of Shame

By Tanya T. Warrington

Shame on you
the refrain repeated
on you, on you, on you
shame's heavy burden
for things I didn't do

shame landed on me
whole truckloads full
piling up and suffocating
burrying me alive

Had the story ended there
what a complete tragedy
it would have been
to smother so

But God had a different ending
He scooped away the lies
He shone his light of hope
He sought me and found me
He held me close in a loving hug

Bringing You Back to the Present

2009-10-12T12:55:00.001-05:00

It sounded weird, even silly, when my counselor suggested it. How could it help? She told me it was a tool that had helped her more than once when she was triggered and experiencing PTSD symptoms. She thought it would help me too.

The exercise is very simplistic. But it truly does help; I know that now. All you have to do is list five things you see, then five things you hear, and then five things you feel. You repeat this exercise listing four, three, two, and one thing(s) respectively. It is fine to repeat items. This exercise re-grounds you in the present moment, lessening the hold of the past event that is holding you hostage. It works! Give it a try.

For me, I forgot to try it the first few times. So come back and reread this post when you need the reminder again of what to do.

My prayer is that you will find relief with this simple tool and that you'll be able to then pray in the present for God's help in dealing with past crude and in processing the memories to the level that they can remain in the past as facts, not crushing emotional triggers.

Mind Control

2009-10-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

Mind Control

I was cold;
You said I was not.
I was frightened;
You said I couldn't be.
I was angry;
You said I must be tired.

My emotions had no room,
No floor.
They were wrong,
Always wrong

I learned to doubt myself,
to assume I must be mistaken.
Feelings were wrong and so were banished,
Shoved into an invisible box, hidden deep inside

I walked in numbness
Wasting years
Before God awakened me,
Helping me to new life

But learning to trust myself
is a slow journey,
believing in myself a lofty pinnacle,
accepting what my senses tell me,
another slow lesson

I walk in life,
trying and failing,
experiencing and shutting down,
rejoicing at freedom,
chaffing at old habits,
and fighting old thoughts

You, you'd say I was crazy
that I made up my past,
But I know better now.
You're in denial and I won't join you--
Not any more,
Not ever again!

Abused Wife

2009-10-08T12:23:00.003-05:00

In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I'd like to focus on domestic violence issues this month.

Abused Wife

by Tanya T. Warrington

I wasn't afraid,
He couldn't make me cry,
I'd never let him make me cry;
I was a survivor.

I didn't feel fear,
I felt okay and fine,
Other feelings were gone
Or strangely muted.

I was dead really,
Numb and removed,
Hiding myself from the trauma,
Forgetting whatever I could.

A brittle branch
Weighed down by heavy snow
Bending, always bending,
Waiting for the day I'd snap.

Little did I know that the snap
would not be the end of me,
but rather a tough re-birth
that would free me from Fear's grip

I was terrified it turns out;
believing his evil threats,
and cowed by his displays of violence,
until I separated myself and the children.
I just didn't know it with my mind,
But with distance could see my lifestyle of fearfulness--
Fear had been my master for fourteen long years.
All my tiptoeing over invisible shattered glass,
Trying to please him above all else,
Doing almost anything to try to advert his "anger problem"
Had been a sign of my bondage to cruel Fear.

I want to shout from the rooftops now,
To all who still serve Fear as they try to appease
An irrate partner who will not be pleased
No matter what they do to serve.
This lifestyle isn't marriage--it is bondage;
it isn't the way its supposed to be.
No one is perfect; it is true.
But there are many who would never, not once,
Threaten to harm you or intentionally wound you.
Most spouses want to love and be loved
with someone they cherish and adore;
Not someone they set out to dismantle and degrade.

Love has four letters but it is freeing, not condemning;
It builds up both partners over time,
amazing each with the growth they see
in themselves and in their beloved.

This Little Light of Mine

2009-09-30T14:39:00.007-05:00

"Shine brightly with the light of Christ Jesus, be all that I created you to be" says the voice of God, but another voice urges me to distrust, to hide, to be frightened, to be shy--to do everything opposite of letting my light shine fully. It is a battleground. A war between good and evil.

I suppose I am the princess of this fairy tale. I have been helpless and trapped, praying for rescue. I have met my hero, my Savior. I have been carried away from the dungeon of abuse and live freely now. And yet, I still am on a journey, looking forward to Heaven in the future but walking onward in the here and now.

I want to shine brightly. When I succeed in shining in and for the Lord, it feels wonderful and right. I feel more myself than ever before and it seems so attainable to continue there forever. Alive and vibrant, using the gifts God has given me.

But then there are the other times. Times when old habits of self-protection loom up and block my light for awhile. Times when I hide by isolating, times when I blame myself or others without mercy, and times when I try not to be noticed. When I examine those times, I see chains and ropes going back to the past, to abuse. It is unpleasant and hurts.

I don't want to live in darkness, so once again, I choose the Light. I will walk with my Lord no matter what I remember or feel. I will trust Him who has always been my comforter and my strength.

I have experienced so much healing in so many areas, but the process is not complete yet. I wonder if it ever will be completed.

Can you relate, Reader? Do you have a battleground between good and evil inside you. Does the abuse of the past still have a way of showing up in your behavior? Do not grow weary! We are overcomers every time we choose good and say no to the bad. We shine even when we don't realize it.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine,
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine, Let it shine

To Whom Do You Belong?

2009-09-29T19:26:00.002-05:00

I refused his school jacket; his reasons were clear. He was jealous, saying that other males were taking too much interest in me and I was too friendly. He wanted to let others know that I was his. He came across as owning me. I knew about being owned and I wanted no part of it. I already had a parent who felt fully entitled to behave however he chose. My high school boyfriend tried to force me to take his jacket, shoving it into my hands. I shoved it right back. I never did wear it, but after 11 months of dating, he raped me. He had decided by then that he owned me anyway. A couple of years later, another man, my husband, treated me as property too.

Being owned by another is a horrible experience of oppression. I'm talking about the bondage of another person saying with their behavior (and sometimes direct words) that he or she owns you--and therefore he/she can do anything to you that he/she wants. Forget about personal boundaries concerning privacy or safety or anything else. It gives the abuser the justification to do anything.

Many of you reading this blog have experienced this nightmare, too. You know how wrong it feels, how humiliating, confusing, and angering. You've felt trapped and utterly helpless.

Part of healing from abuse requires recognizing this slavery of the soul and doing something about it. Initially, that means separating from the abuser permanently or until he or she changes (which is a rare occurrence because abusers find abuse very rewarding). Later on, ending the slavery that Satan has introduced into our lives with abuse requires us to confront the lies that hang out in our hearts, minds, and guts, blocking us from truly experiencing the freedom that God says is ours.

Are we willing to see and confront lies? Are we willing to say, "No, I am not a worthless possession that deserves to be treated shamefully or neglectfully. I am going to believe that I am valuable because Jesus Christ was willing to die for me. I am going to make choices that reflect that I know my Heavenly Father has created me with a special plan and good purpose"?

At some point, we need to take ownership of ourselves. Will we acknowledge and take care of our own needs in appropriate ways? Will we say no to unhealthy relationships? Will we say no to destructive habits? Will we believe that we are free and responsible for our own lives, rejecting the comfortable old rags of the victim mentality that says we have no power or control over anything that happens to us? We will never be able to control life or other people--but we have many liberating choices we can make about how we spend our time, when we seek help, how much we practice new, healthier behavior.

It's a process, just like every other part of healing from abuse. We can know in our heads that we are not slaves, but knowing it in our wounded hearts is a different matter. It takes repetition of truth and practice. It takes kindness. It takes time. In our soul we can experience our freedom with great joy during a worship service at church and then find ourselves weighed down during the week by heavy chains of old beliefs. Again it takes truth, practice, kindness, and time to allow truth to permeate all of our being. But, thankfully, we have time to practice and to rejoice in the progress that is made. We can begin anew each day. We are free in Christ Jesus, sisters and brothers. Let's keep living it out!

I am reminding myself again as I write this post. I am free, I am valuable, I am loved by the Lord Almighty. So are you! I hope you "take it to heart" this week and practice living as one who is significant and worth treating with respect, gentleness, and love--because you really, really are!

Who Can We Trust?

2009-09-12T08:00:00.001-05:00

Betrayed! Unsafe! Dangerous! Abuse hammers into us the lesson that we cannot trust people. Almost all abuse happens at the hands of people whom we thought loved us, people whom we thought we could trust. Until they showed us otherwise.

Even those who are abused by a stranger still struggle with trust issues. Someone, who might have been anyone, stripped away their feelings of security. Suddenly humanity did not seem safe or trustworthy any longer. A member of society felt free to attack.

So what do we do? How do we heal? How do we learn to trust again? Can we ever regain our innocent trust? Is it even wise to trust?

Trust is a foundation stone in every relationship. So if we want to have relationships, we have to learn to trust again. But how?

I turned to God, and he has enabled me to trust again. It has been a learning process with my Good Shepherd right there with me. I don't know how others learn to trust without His help. I feel sure that I would have turned into a bitter, distrusting woman if God hadn't answered my cries for healing and help.

I am blessed beyond measure by the healing that has taken place. I have female friends, I have a non-abusive husband who cherishes me, I have relationships with my children that exceed anything I ever dared to hope for. Trusting is growing in relationships with small risks and new behaviors tried. God empowers me to try, despite my fears. Courage in small bite size pieces slowly builds healthy behaviors and relationships.

I've also made more mistakes of extending too much of myself to folks who aren't trustworthy--but I've learned more with each error. I've learned that some people are just too wounded or messed up to function in a healthy way.

I've learned to focus the majority of my energy and time on the relationships that are healthy or are growing healthier. I am learning to trust myself again--to value my gut feelings and my perseptions. I can relax with trustworthy people and enjoy the gift of friendship and healthy love.

Trusting isn't easy after abuse--but it is possible, and rather lovely.

Illness?

2009-09-10T20:34:00.000-05:00

Abuse is stressful for the whole body.

I have been struggling with much more illness this year. Since I have also been dealing with abuse memories and processing this year, I googled "abuse and illness" on the Internet to see if there is any possible connection. If you try it too, you will find articles on the physical and psychological conditions that are more common among abuse survivors. I found studies on the prevalence of gastrointestinal issues and migraines among us--both of which apply for me. I also read about depression and anxiety being a common problems for survivors, problems I have heard about from other survivors I have known.

So what do we do with the information? Afterall, we cannot undo the abuse we've experienced.

After giving it some thought, my response is to do my best to understand and truly accept that abuse was stressful for my body. Stress hormones surely flowed through my body regularly for years! The trauma is over now. But the consequences are still being worked out. I am on a wonderful healing journey with the Lord and I trust that my body will be healed in God's perfect timing.

His goodness is the rock upon which I will continue to stand. I need to take good care of my physical needs--now that I am free from abuse I can attend to those needs, indeed, my body is letting me know that I must.

Healing has so many layers, doesn't it? Feel free to post a reply (you can do so anonymously if you wish) or send me an email sharing your experience with the physical part of healing from abuse. Thanks in advance!

Published on 9/10/09

2009-09-10T08:37:00.000-05:00

Physical illness
reflecting long-pent stress
abuses' secrets held in tissues
unshed tears deep in the heart
fears of death bound in the gut

Releasing the captive memories
Shedding tears for the past abuses
grieving for the way things were
physical pain rearing back up
cells screaming their rage
at wrong deeds done long ago

Come, dear Savior,
slice the chains away
open the cell doors
free my body from the past
cleanse me anew
strengthen me
restore my health

Published on 9/10/09

Anger

2009-09-02T11:40:00.003-05:00

Getting in touch with anger is an inevitable part of healing from abuse. It's not fun, but it is necessary.

I've known for years that some day I'd have to recognize the anger that automatically fills a soul when one is mistreated. I was frightened by the thought. Anger frightens me. I am typical of many victims of domestic violence. I associate anger with abusers and the horrible harm they do. I've never wanted to be anything like them--so my anger was stuffed and rejected as unacceptable.

Some of you readers can fully identify with the above paragraph. You are normal. Others of you can't relate at all. You have been very in touch with your anger. You are furious at what happened to you and you use your anger to try to protect yourself from any further abuse. You'd rather hold power than to ever feel powerless again. Guess what. You are normal too. Both responses are typical. Both are a result of abuse.

Either way, anger must be dealt with. Anger itself isn't bad. It's just another emotion. But when anger is suppressed or when it is held on to it grows bigger and it harms us by creating excess stress. It is natural to feel the anger--it needs to be felt, and then let go. We can honor the emotion with acknowledgement and then allowing our emotions to move on, ending the feeling of being stuck in past abuse.

Last week, I finally recognized my anger and worked on releasing it. I hit a pillow with a child's bat many times with a friend near by for support. I was shocked by how hard I hit and how many times I hit the pillow, but it felt right. I thought about past abuse as I worked out the anger. I thought about all my mixed feelings over being a victim. I thought about the people who had done such wrong things to me. I thought about how I'd wanted to protect myself, but had been unable to stop the abuse for years. It was all ugly, yucky stuff but it felt right to admit my reality fully and to let the suppressed emotions out in a harmless way.

Afterward, I felt peace and new energy to keep claiming the abuse-free life that I want to live. I felt more energy to focus on loving others and to work on building healthy relationships with others. Something about acknowledging the anger is freeing me up to break out of the isolation that has haunted me since I was first abused.

How about you? Do you suppress anger? Or do you burn with anger? Have you honored your feelings of anger at being mistreated with abuse? Are you at a point where you can let your emotions move on? If so, try doing some harmless movement to release the anger--go for a long run or swim, visit a batting cage, hit a pillow with a childs padded bat, tear up lots of paper...

If you're not ready to look at your anger yet, don't worry. The time will come. God will help you know when it is time.

Strands of Trust

2009-08-19T19:01:00.004-05:00

Strands of Trust

Trust
stretched and stretched
until it snaps
leaving dangling ends
broken and useless

Trust
fragile at best
a thin thread
unable to stretch
anticipating failure

Trust
a fishing line
stronger now
hoping just a little
for something better

Trust
a retractable cable
able to withstand
jolts and loads
able to extend, or not

A Choice to Make

2009-06-23T14:25:00.004-05:00

Growing up in an abusive home has a tremendous effect on how one views the world. I've known this for years, but recognizing warped places in my thinking is a process that takes time. Periodically, an awareness would surface that I did not love myself, and I didn'tt see how that was going to change. It was just the way it was.

I was trained to ignore my wants and needs. As a child, I often felt like I was being bad if I dared to have any needs. There just wasn't time, emotional energy, or empathy available to address a child's emotional needs.

For example, when I was eight years old I became terribly ill. I instinctively knew that something very serious was wrong. I was told that I was fine and to stop being a baby. When a doctor confirmed three days later that I was very ill and needed my appendix out as an emergency surgery, I was left at the hospital without any parental comfort. The nurse explained to my parent that young children often benefited from a parent staying in the room even during the nights, but I stayed in the room alone. I remember trying not to fall asleep too deeply so I could push the nurse call button if I became worse in the night. My surgery was scheduled for first thing in the morning, but the nurse said a doctor would do the operation in the middle of the night if I couldn't make it until then. The nurse was kind. She came to my room a couple of times. She patted my hand, wiped the bangs out of my eyes, spoke about my surgery and comforted me more than my absent parents had ever done.

I buried the intense feelings of loneliness and abandonment with many other buried feelings of fear, worry, and anger that there was never room for in my home. I apologized the next day to my parents for being sick and I entered surgery without a parent kissing me, hugging me or reassuring me. They came and I appreciated that. They waited and they were there when I exited surgery. They stayed a little longer before they said they needed to go. They gave what they had--but comfort, emotional sensitivity, or emotional support weren't part of the package.

As I've processed many such memories and other darker memories of blatant sexual abuse, I've been able to experience some of those long repressed feelings, I've been able to feel compassion for my parents and their struggles with addictions, I've been able to feel sympathy for my younger self. I've had greater understanding about my internal motivations.

And then, last week, a moment of decision was suddenly and clearly upon me. Was I going to continue hoping for the day when my parents would understand me, accept me and cherish me? Was I going to continue choosing to squash self-care and self-love in order to live by my parents' rules? Or was I going to choose to fully commit myself to being responsible for my needs in a loving, nurturing way? Was I going to start treating myself with the full measure of love and respect that I lavish on my children and step-children? Was I?

I discovered in that moment that I am ready. I am again at another new and exciting place of healing thanks to God's leading. I can now accept and embrace giving myself loving, respectful care for both physical and emotional needs.

The work of facing more painful memories and repressed feelings was worth it. With Him, we can reach levels of healing that seemed too far out of reach. With God, all things are possible.

Reader, where are you today with your healing process? Do you believe yet that you are lovable and that it is more than okay to take care of yourself physically and emotionally?

Wherever you are on the journey, keep on looking to God with trust. He can and will help you. He'll help you find and unfurl your own set of dazzling wings of grace, hope, and love.

Thank You

2009-06-22T17:57:00.003-05:00

Thank you to those readers who prayed concerning my computer problems and health. It took awhile to recover from the flu followed by a sinus infection but I am back to being well.

Thank you also to those who posted comments and wished me well.

You are great readers!

But I Love Him/Her!

2009-06-22T17:53:00.004-05:00

Your reaction to today's post title will vary tremendously depending on how long you've been away from abuse and how much recovery work you've done so far. When someone is in abuse she or he feels an extremely strong (super glued to the max) connection to her or his abuser. Sometimes this emotion is labeled hate, but in the vast majority of cases it is called "love."

How does one recover from being betrayed by someone that says "I love you" before and after abuse? How does one heal a broken heart that gave love freely and received back love tainted by abuse in one or more forms? How does one ever learn to trust or love any other after the shame and treachery of abuse has ripped one's soul to shreds?

Some of you who are well down the road of recovery have answers now to these questions. Others of you near the beginning of the journey can hardly imagine or hope that there is any life worth living after being abused.

Psychologists and sociologists have studied the bond that occurs between an abuse victim and the abuser. They don't call it love, but rather it is named the Stockholm Syndrome. It is a condition in which the person being held captive by a controller ends up feeling strong positive, protective feelings toward their captor. It is a situation that abusers foster with small acts of kindness mixed with threats and abuses. Isolation, sleep deprivation and control of finances can be used by abusers to heighten the abused person's sense that their whole well-being, or total lack thereof, is completely within the control of the abuser. The Stockholm Syndrome that leads to us believing that we love our abuser too much to leave him or her is a testimony to the survival instinct. It serves a purpose while we are trapped and feeling threatened. It is our best attempt to stay safe--or as safe as we can in a horrible situation.

But once we are contemplating leaving an abusive relationship or a relationship has ended and we are needing to heal, we will be much healthier after we recognize that the powerful emotions that we felt and the intense relationship we participated in wasn't about love. It is essential that we be able to sort out the differences between love and the psychological trauma that we've endured. If we don't do the hard work of untangling the experiences we thought were love, we are prone to become another statistic. Many abused people enter multiple abusive relationships because they don't know what love is. Too many abused people die every year before they can figure it out. And countless others suffer daily indignities and never reach anything close to their potential because they are trapped under mounds of emotional and/or verbal abuse that they have been taught by circumstance to believe is love.

When I first learned about the Stockholm Syndrome, I didn't know whether to be even more ashamed or whether to be relieved. Relief won out. There was a name and descriptions that matched the intense, crazy, all-consuming relationship that had held me captive for so long. Other men and women had done some of the same "crazy" things that I'd done, too. I didn't like remembering how I'd worked so hard to please someone who was intentionally abusing me, it felt degrading--but it is the reality of how I worked to survive. I sort of liked remembering how intense things felt at times, how flowery some of the compliments were in the beginning and how "sweet" some of the early gifts seemed, but I hated remembering how frightened I felt at times, how helpless I felt for years, how small and dumb I felt on a daily basis. There are many tangled chains in the "love" an abuser chokes his/her "beloved" with.

God's love is radically different and freely available. God doesn't offer love with heavy hidden chains. God can help each of us with love that refreshes our souls, binds our wounds, and heals our brokeness. I am sure about it. He did it for me and he's helped many other abuse victims. He cares. His love is real--it is not an illusion used to control us. Try to trust God even just a little and see what good things will happen. You have an eternal friend who loves you in a way that is healthy and wonderful.

Sorry about Interruption

2009-06-06T18:26:00.001-05:00

Between lightening zapping my computer ethernet card and flu zapping my body, I haven't been able to blog this week.

I'll hopefully be well and back to blogging next week.

Love

2009-05-27T18:45:00.003-05:00

Love is a word misused by those who abuse. Love shouldn't be used to describe continual control or forced coercion. Friendship isn't even a good word for a relationship where one person uses another and regularly utilizes manipulation, lies, and trickery. It isn't loving when someone steals another's dignity, tramples another's boundaries, or slams another's esteem to the ground with cruelty, harshness, and force. No one shows caring by hitting, or threatening, or raping.

So, how amazing it is after leaving abuse to discover that love can really be about respect and care. It can be characterized by gentleness, humbleness, and kindness. Loving relationship it turns out involves two people who want what is best for each other. Love between humans isn't perfect all the time, but it isn't abusive even on its worst day.

And love sublime--isn't found in marriage or in a romance novel. It is found in relationship with God, who is always loving, without fail. We can count on him to care at all times and in all situations.

Running from Pain

2009-05-25T09:39:00.004-05:00

Why do we try to avoid facing the pain of abuse? How does denial serve us?

I think that we fear the pain. We're afraid that if we face the pain it will destroy us or destroy our world as we know it. I can remember fearing that if I stepped out of denial I would never stop crying or I might get so angry I might do something crazy. I feared I could not handle the truth. I feared that I could not survive what the truth would do to my primary relationships.

Fear was my captor. I was its slave. I didn't directly face my pain, but my pain leaked out anyway. I lived in a fuzzy fog. I did and said strange things to try to maintain the lies. I was rarely aware of sadness, but I was just as muted with happiness. I rarely laughed with true joy or happiness. I rarely cried. I was mostly numb. I told others and myself that I was "fine" or "okay." I survived. I was a bound prisoner of fear, stumbling along without hope in my eyes, dragging my chains of fear along. Not a good way to live.

Have you been there? Are you in that place of mere survival right now?

There is a better way. Facing the pain of abuse does not destroy us. The enemy of our souls reinforces this fear--but it is a lie. Facing our pain ultimately strengthens and frees us. Abuse cannot freely continue in the face of truth. Abuse ends when the light is shone on it or when victims get help and leave the abusive situation. Abuse derives power from instilling and reinforcing fear; abusers lose power when the victim's desire for freedom becomes greater than her or his fear.

And this better way is not a journey we must do alone. God can strengthen us beyond our wildest imaginings. God can help us to face truth and find hope. God can lead us out of abuse. God can use other people to help us first climb out of abuse and then recover from abuse. God can heal us over time--transforming us into joyous people of strength and hope who walk in Him through all the trials of life.

Grief is Necessary

2009-05-23T21:40:00.002-05:00

It’s not just okay to mourn, it is essential to grieve losses in order to heal from abuse. Loss is huge when another has violated you with their actions and words.

Not that we are likely to grieve abuse right away. Many of us are so traumatized by abuse that it takes years to acknowledge what happened and then it may take even more years before we are willing to examine how the attacks against our dignity affected us. It is amazing how long we can put off healthy grieving—but we cannot put it off forever.

It reminds me of the holes I used to dig just outside of the water’s edge as the ocean’s tide was coming in. I’d dig a hole quickly and deeply and then wait for the waves to reach my hole. A little would go in with one wave and then a little more a few waves later. Each wave would lap into or over my hole and then recede away, but each time a little water was collected into the hole. Eventually there was so much water in the hole that it would spill over. A short while later, the waves were hitting with more force as they advanced up the sand and my hole would grow less and less distinct as it was filled and dragged with pounding surf.

We can be like the holes I dug, receptacles for the waves that are our pain and defilement. It can fill a bit at a time, until the day when the pain is just too big and it begins to spill out, whether we want it to or not. If we keep stuffing the pain back in, we become less and less distinct, losing all sense of ourselves as individuals. The pain engulfs us and we get pounded and dragged, pounded and dragged.

Grief can be delayed and buried, but it will rise to the surface eventually, demanding attention. The good news is that when the pain is faced and dealt with, it becomes smaller and smaller and we become more and more free to move forward with our lives.

God's Gender

2009-05-19T13:28:00.004-05:00

In the Bible, God reveals Himself as a He. I trust that He knows what His own gender is. I am aware that not everyone agrees. I have met people who are recovering from abuse who try to think of God as a she or as a neutral it. Their reasoning is that a he of the human race abused them and so they can't relate to any God who would be known as He.

I feel the pain that leads to such reasoning. I was abused by several males. I too struggled with God's maleness for awhile. I had some negative associations with the word father. I wanted to believe that my heavenly Father was different, but I felt fear and doubt. Yet, our Heavenly Father helped me to walk through my associations and feelings and He redeemed His name for me step by step.

I learned that my Heavenly Father is good, kind, and patient. He is honest and just. He cares deeply about our best welfare. He is loving. I learned by reading and believing the Bible. I learned from personal experiences of God's faithfulness and love. Over and over, God showed me how good He is.

One evening almost twenty years ago, I had an amazing experience that added another layer of understanding who God is. I was grieving and I curled up in my ottoman chair and wept quietly. I asked God to help me feel His comforting presence and the next thing I knew I could feel Him literally holding me as if I were a small child on his lap. It was a supernatural experience. I knew I was being held by my Heavenly Father and it was deeply comforting.

I am convinced that accepting God's Word as true and allowing Him to heal our broken hearts and spirits is far more productive than trying to change God's revealed identity to our own liking. Remember Readers, the gender of our abuser(s) is not what led to our abuse. Non-repented sin is the culprit, and sin knows no distinction between the genders.

Measuring with a Faulty Ruler

2009-05-14T23:04:00.003-05:00

How significant are you? How do you know?

For way too many of us, we have measured our significance by an ungodly standard. We have accepted lies about our lack of significance. Because another has trampled our needs for love, respect, and dignity, we have assumed that we must not be very valuable. This is especially true if we were mistreated in our childhood by those who were authority figures.

Incest taught me that I was powerless and that my needs were not important. Abuse of all sorts, undermines our self-esteem and our understanding of our place in the world.

I've met people who are enthusiastic about the power of affirmations of the "fake it until you make it" type of philosophy. If your self-esteem is low they teach, then repeat positive statements about yourself until one day you believe. This philosophy did nothing for me. Deep inside I was totally unconvinced that empowering statements declaring our worth had anything to do with me. "Those positive statements are true for others," I'd think, "but I'm different. I'm damaged. There's something wrong with me."

What has powerfully changed my view of myself is time spent with God. His Word teaches me that I am a sinner but that God wants relationship with me. He teaches me that none of us can do anything of eternal significance without Him, but when we operate in Him we can do all things. For with God all things are possible and nothing is impossible. I am not less than other people. I am the same--with the same need for God. And God is delighted to meet that need.

Whenever we feel worthless and unacceptable, let's seek God. His answer is different--radically different-- from what an abuser will teach you.

Never too Late

2009-05-12T21:25:00.003-05:00

Abuse and children are a toxic mix. No child should be abused or witness a parent being abused. There is no doubt in any of our hearts about these truths. Most people know deep in their being that children need to be protected from harm.

And yet...too many of us who have been abused spouses have to deal with the knowledge that our own children were exposed to things we wish they hadn't.

I doubled over in pain, when my denial cleared away and I realized what my children had seen and heard in their formative years. My heart felt irrecoverably shattered. I couldn't believe that I had let things go on so long. My denial to protect myself from pain had cost my children dearly. Many of you reading this site may have had a similar moment of reckoning.

Over a decade later, I want to encourage all readers who are raising children who were born into an abusive environment to not give up in despair. It is never too late to begin providing a much better environment for our children. At first it may seem hopeless to repair the damage done, but I can assure you that it is not hopeless. Children need love and they need at least one caring, committed parent.

One of my adult children called last week to thank me for leaving her abusive father and for the parenting I did after leaving. What a wonderful blessing! I never imagined such a call would occur when I prayed in desperation for God to lead me and teach me to parent my precious children. I didn't know a day of reward would come, when I had those times when I listened to children and didn't know what to say, so I prayed asking God to help me to say something that would minister to their wounded hearts. When I was so tired as a single parent that I wasn't sure sometimes how I kept going, I didn't know that my humming as I washed the dinner dishes helped one of my children feel safe. I didn't know when I was juggling three children in an emergency room, one of my children would remember feeling loved and secure. I just kept inviting God's help, and he responded faithfully.

My children do still bear some signs of how their childhood began, but they also possess many things they wouldn't have today, if God had not worked many healing moments into their childhoods. They each know deeply that their mom loves them and is available anytime to give support and encouragement. They know that they have a home that is safe and loving. They know that God is real. They know that they can create a positive adulthood for themselves. They know that they never need to tolerate abuse. They know that they can love someone who is unhealthy-- while at the same time maintaining healthy boundaries. They know that trials are part of life. They know that it is possible to overcome failures and problems.

Keep on loving your children no matter how "messed up" they might seem from the trauma they have been through. Keep on asking for God's help with parenting. He is faithful. He will help. It is never too late.

Haunting Perfectionism

2009-05-09T14:00:00.002-05:00

I'd like to throw away perfectionism! It keeps popping up in my life like a noxious weed. I pull it out and pull it out, but it finds new places to crop back up.

I know when I developed the drive to do things perfectly. I may have born with extra drive and a desire to excel; genetics may play a part. I was also the oldest child and oldest children often are achievers. Also when I was a small child, my dad often told me to redo something that I'd already put my best effort into. And both my parents were stern and strict and often seemed displeased with me. I tried harder and harder to win their approval. I did the same in school--always wanting straight A's and miserable if I got an A- or B+ in something. Even when I got an A, I was blue if someone else got an A+. I left childhood with the feeling that I could never do anything well enough. I did "good" and even "better than the majority", but it was still never "enough."

As a young adult, I spent years with a man who was never happy. I seemed to displease him no matter how hard I tried to avoid trouble. Instead of quitting, I tried harder and harder to please him. And once again, I couldn't. No matter how much effort and concentration I put into it, I could not make our home peaceful or safe. My husband actually became more out-of-control the longer we were together. My efforts weren't enough.

Now I can easily see that I was trying to manipulate abusive people into being nicer to me. It was doomed to fail.

Years ago, I confronted the idea of "being perfect." I know it is impossible. I am human. I discovered that perfectionism isn't desirable in many situations. In relationships, it actually hinders intimacy and realness. Being around someone who is always trying to be perfect isn't much fun. It's stifling.

So, I see the uselessness of trying to be perfect. And yet...that weed still reasserts itself.

I just finished phase one of a weight management diet. During phase 1, most people lose 20-40 pounds and some lose 15. It was explained to me that people closer to their ideal weight tend to lose 10-15 and those who are extremely obese tend to lose 40 or more pounds. I heard the information, but it was really irrelevant. I had already decided I would lose 40-45 pounds. The only thing I had control over was whether I followed the diet instructions strictly. I followed them to the letter, perfectly if you will. I lost 16 pounds and 2 inches off all the really visible trouble spots. Instead of celebrating the great progress, I was mourning this week because I really thought I should out perform the norms. I should be an A or A+ student. Hence my need to pull out some weed pesticide.

What pesticide will work? I prayed to see if I needed to look at any new issues or re-examine old ones. I think that in this case, I just need to accept that I've had perfectionism in my thinking since I was very young, so it will still pop up sometimes. I have choices though. I am going to celebrate the weight loss. I am going to treat myself with respect and not punish myself for desiring something unrealistic.

In that spirit, I went clothes shopping yesterday. I am happy to report that I am down a full size! It is actually my normal size. I still have some excess pounds, but I am back into my normal pant size at least with some brands. I will be fully back to normal when I can wear any brand in that size. I am getting close! My efforts did pay off. I have done enough with phase one of the diet plan. Ah! Just writing the words brings added relief. I've done well enough. Yes!

Does perfectionism creep up in your life? If so, how goes the battle? Are you learning how to see if it leads to a train of thoughts that need healing? Have you done that healing and now it is a process of retraining your thoughts and beliefs? Wherever you are in the process, God understands and can help you to know what your next step is.

Blessed? Are You Kidding?

2009-05-04T16:47:00.004-05:00

Blessed are the broken in spirit? Blessed are those who are facing horrible loss? Blessed are those who are non-aggressive and bear the bruises to show it? Really?

Jesus' teaching on what it means to be blessed in Matthew 5 has been taught about from many a pulpit. But I want to write about it today anyway. The passage is often called the Beatitudes. This old Latin word doesn't mean much to most of us but all it means is blessed or happy.

Because when you are abused by another, you don't feel blessed. You feel cursed. But if you trying to be a "good Christian" you are often comforted with platitudes just as a widow at a funeral is. We are left confused and further traumatized when well-meaning but mistaken people try to comfort us with explanations such as "God must have a reason" or "Count all trials as joy" or "This must be your cross to bear."

And many of us have had not-so-well-meaning friends and acquaintances who rub salt in wounds with other words such as "Maybe if you just worked harder at not making him mad" or "well, you do dress a little inappropriately" or "God doesn't give us more than we can bear" or "Have you ever thought that God might be trying to teach you something?"

And all of us have felt the sting of rejection, when we honestly tell another that we are feeling anger at God or doubt about God's goodness. The feelings are real. They are a natural part of untangling abuse's damage to our hearts. But try bringing it up at a bible study. Unless you are very lucky, at least one person will judge you as being "not very spiritual." Share the full story of all the trauma you have experienced and you will probably encounter people who do not believe you, people who minimize what you said, and people who rapidly change the subject.

None of these experience makes us feel "blessed," do they? Hardly.

So why did Jesus say that people in miserable places are blessed?

Is death a blessing? Is abuse a blessing? Is poverty a blessing? Many people try to make out that it is so, putting on a happy face at church when they are miserable. But no matter how effective our masquerades as happy, blessed Christians, it doesn't change how ugly and frightening bad times feel.

We'd all be so relieved if we tuned into the end of each of the sentences. For example "Blessed are those who mourns, for they will be comforted." If we study each sentence of the Beatitudes they are giving a coherent, repetitive message. Basically, they shout out wonderful news that no matter what our circumstances are in this life, we are blessed by the presence of the living God who joins us right in our circumstances. The blessing is God's loving presence, even in our darkest nights.

A problem with abuse, is that we shut down in self-protection, so it is easy to miss how God is present. We feel all alone, abandoned and rejected. Nonetheless, many of us have discovered as we are healing that God is present with us now and he was present with us in our worst times as well. If you are one of these, please take a moment to once again thank God and rejoice. You are blessed.

If you aren't in that place right now on your healing journey, then please hold onto knowing that God is much more real and loving than platitudes make him seem. Keep searching to see who He actually is. Read through the Beatitudes again and read about what Jesus did and said here on earth. Invite God's Holy Spirit to show you the truth about God and about how He feels about you and about the abuse you have suffered. If you keep turning to God, I know you will discover that you are blessed.

Blessing or a Trap?

2009-04-28T16:25:00.003-05:00

Self trust. It can be a blessing or a trap.

If you've been abused, all your trust issues have been distorted.

You put your trust in someone who abused that trust horribly. So you don't trust yourself much when it comes to relationships. You don't see yourself as having much of a track record.

If you've neglected self-care for years, which is a common result of abuse, you may not trust your body nor your ability to meet your own needs.

What does the healing of healthy self trust look like? It happens bit by bit, one incident at a time. A bit of self trust is gained when you see yourself taking risks to claim a healthier life. A bit is restored when you see that many of your decisions are good ones. And, a bit more is birthed when you trust your gut and experience to judge whether another person is trustworthy.

With God guiding us, rebuilding self-trust causes a blooming. Like beautiful spring tulips, our soul rises and bursts onto the scene with hope and brilliance. We agree, with inch by inch of growth, with God's perceptions. We discover we can be humble without degrading ourselves, we can accept ourselves because God does and we can use the gifts and talents that He has given us. We can trust Him first, and reap a harvest of huge growth in trusting ourselves.

Without entrusting our healing to God, however, we can wander from self-trust into being ego-centered. We can become a weedy patch of selfishness, or a muddy hole of self-pity, or a thorny stem of revengeful anger. It's just not a pretty scene. God waits for us to repent and let him guide us to the green pasture, while Satan delights in the mess he initiated with your abuse.

The choice really is ours alone. We can choose to add to the damage that has been done to us by trying to be our own untrained doctor. Or we can choose to surrender our self-trust, self-respect, self-love, self-esteem into God's capable hands, trusting that he knows exactly where we are unhealthy and how to best address each issue. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Do you really believe it?

Forgiving Ourselves

2009-04-28T15:56:00.007-05:00

I spent years rehashing what had happened in my first marriage. Questioning myself with a judging spirit. Why had I married an abusive spouse? What was wrong with me? Didn't I see signs of warning each time I reviewed our story? How could I have been so stupid?

Have you ever gone there? Judging yourself based on hindsight? Condemning yourself to self-criticism and lowered self-respect?

With God's help, I realized about six years ago that with my refusal to forgive myself I wasn't showing much faith in Jesus' effectiveness as my savior. It was as if I was saying, "Lord, what you did when you died on the cross for our sins was great. It saved everybody. I am so glad that you forgive me, but I have made some mistakes and committed some sins that are unforgivable in my eyes. So I am going to keep punishing myself for the sins you say are covered and taken care of already." There's a perverse pride in this kind of thinking.

Who was I to reject God's verdict? He has declared me forgiven (John 3:16) and righteous (Romans 5:16) in Christ Jesus. I am mixing things up when I put my judgment and self-punishment above God's judgment and mercy. God's mercy flowed freely again as I realized what I had been doing and repented. I can testify that living under God's grace is a far more pleasant path than playing judge over myself. His forgiveness is stunning--and so complete.

God and a kind counselor also helped me see I had a tendency to take on false guilt that really belonged to the abuser. I still tended to blame myself for all abuse that had occurred. I still carried a heavy load of shame. I had unloaded some shame as I recovered, a little bit at a time. This year it has been as if I have unloaded a huge truck load of shame that had still found places to hide inside of my heart, mind, and soul. It is delightful to be separated from that junk. I can see clearly now that in God's perspective the shame of abuse was never mine to carry.

Perhaps, you recognize that you haven't forgiven yourself either. Perhaps you are hard on yourself for not heeding warning signs or for taking too long to end the abuse. Or maybe you've wrongly condemned yourself for things that could not be your fault. Talk to God about it in prayer. He loves you. He would love to see you stop punishing yourself; if you confess, he forgives you (1 John 1:9). He invites you to let go of the "false" guilt issues you may be lugging around; he wants us to let Him carry all of our anxieties (1Peter 5:7). We have nothing to fear anymore (Romans 8:15).

4/30/09

Thank you Readers

2009-04-28T15:40:00.001-05:00

I am so excited that people are posting replies now. It is such a pleasure to feel the community of others going through recovery from abuse, too. I am blessed by your honesty and openess.

Plus the ideas to discuss just keep on multiplying. Each bit of experience or insight shared benefits every person who comes to this blog.

Thank you!

And as a reminder, those who come and go anonymously--just take what you need. God bless you on exactly where you are in your journey of healing. If you ever want a private discussion with me, just email me directly at TanyaTWarrington@google.com.

Trusting Yourself Fallacy

2009-04-27T20:31:00.001-05:00

Trusting Yourself Fallacy

Trusting in yourself is not always beneficial. An abuser destroys a person's sense of self worth and robs his/her victim of decision-making power. So, although others mean well when they tell a victim to trust herself--they are not comprehending what a difficult task they are assigning. It is like asking someone to meet you 5 miles north, not realizing that her compass is broken and is pointing south when it indicates "North.”

It is important to remember this broken compass when we try to help someone else who is still living in abuse. After we've spent some time healing and operating in a non-abusive environment, it is easy to forget just how broken a victim is.

When I lived in abuse daily, I thought I had very little value, so when I made decisions I was oriented in that direction. I made many decisions on the assumption that I had little value. So when my boyfriend grabbed me and shoved me into his car right after I told him "No! I don't want to come with you right now, " I did not flee and I did not break up with him. I trusted myself, following my inner guidance system accurately--but it led straight into more abuse, rather than away from trouble.

In those days of abuse, I believed I somehow deserved abuse. I didn't know what I had done, but I firmly believed it must be my fault. So, my faulty compass gave confirmation that there was nothing wrong with me being abused. With that information guiding me, I didn't specifically ask for help from God or people. Who asks for rescue when they merely face "normal" life?

Before ending abuse in my life, non-abusive men seemed kind of boring. I was used to a more intense life. I didn't know how to have fun, not really. My broken compass was turning me around, back toward abusers.

So let's be careful how much we encourage abuse victims to trust themselves. Some victims will steer themselves straight to an early death.

There is an important part of healing that restores our ability to trust ourselves in healthy ways. I'll write about that in the next post.

Trusting God

2009-04-24T16:22:00.004-05:00

One May my mother sent me a little wallet card with my name and a Bible verse that read: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). I was amazed and touched. My Mom had never sent me anything Christian before. I kept the card with me and pondered its meaning. A month later, I got a greeting card from a friend that included the same verse. I knew it wasn't a coincidence. I knew God wanted me to focus on the verse. "I trust you, Lord" was my heart's response, "Help me to trust you even more."

About a week later or so, my whole life changed. I turned a corner and saw my husband choking our five year old son. It was as if a curtain had risen and shown a terrifying tableau and my denial shield fell to the ground. I knew I needed to save my children from my husband's violence. His storms against me was one thing, but our children needed to be safe. I knew our marriage could not continue as it had been up to that point. I went to a shelter and began taking a women's class on domestic violence to try to figure out what to call the last 14 years of marriage and what to do to change our home. The first day of class I learned that I was an abused wife with a husband who used many forms of abuse to control me.

Many things good and bad happened over the next 6 weeks. A friend who had no idea what was happening in our home, stopped me at church, handing me a card and saying, "I saw this a few days ago and thought of you. I think God might want you to have it." It was the same verse again: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."

I gripped it tightly. I knew I needed to trust God wholeheartedly during this traumatic time.

About two weeks later, I was praying late into the night, asking God for help. I needed God to show me what to do. I was horribly stressed, confused, and frightened by how threatening my spouse had been that evening. The tension was high and I knew his next angry explosion would happen soon. Suddenly, I heard the loudspeaker version of God's voice saying loud enough to rise above my frantic thoughts, "It is time to leave, Tanya. After he leaves the house for work, you need to take the children and leave."

My thoughts churned. "Leave? Where? Where can I go? For how long? What kind of leaving are we talking about?"

"Trust me, Tanya, and lean not on your own understanding."

Suddenly my mind stopped whirling. I had an assignment from God and I was going to obey. I would leave with my children. More details slid into place in my mind. I knew where we would go, a friend's home in another state. I knew I would need to pack quickly and lightly as soon as my husband went to work.

I got up an hour early and mopped my kitchen tile floor, killing time. I was still in shock, but I was clear headed just the same. God was leading me and I did not need to fully understand where he was leading me.

After my husband left for work, I called three people to let them know what I was doing and why. Then I wrote a note to my husband letting him know that I needed to think and that we'd call him in a few days. I knew as the kids and I put backpacks in the trunk, that I didn't know how long we would be gone. I wondered if my husband would finally come to his senses. As I buckled my youngest child into his carseat, I longed for a better home, one without anyone trying to control others, a safe home for everyone under the roof.

I put the car in reverse and backed out our long driveway. Just as I pulled out of the driveway and began driving forward, I looked back at my home--and the rear view mirror fell down onto the floor. "So much for that. No more looking back," I thought, driving off into a new, completely unknown future. I was trusting in God alone. It was enough.

Forgiving God

2009-04-22T17:19:00.003-05:00

It may seem sacrilegious to think about, let alone talk about, forgiving God. We know that God doesn't sin so how can we forgive him? But, nonetheless, forgiving God is a very important step along the journey of healing from abuse.

I've never met a victim of abuse who has not been haunted by God questions sometime along the way. Where was God? Where was he when abuse happened to you or to a loved one? Why didn't he just stop it? He's all powerful so he could have stopped it. Why did he choose to allow it?

The questions are real and cut deeply. Were we not valuable enough to save? Didn't God care that our world was being torn apart by physical or emotional violence?

Some of you have heard of God rescuing others from a horrible crisis--so where was He when you needed him?

My heart goes out to all those who are in this spot. I've been there too and I know that it hurts. It hurts so much that I wouldn't look at it for a long time. When I finally did go there, I had a wise person tell me, "It's okay to tell God that you are angry and that you don't understand." I took the advice literally.

And God was okay with it. Over the months and years that have since passed, God has answered my questions. Not with placating or triteness. Not with politically correct answers. He answered with truth and with love. He answered using my personal Bible study, the sermons at church, things that children said, words on the radio, beautiful music lyrics, and the words of caring friends. He helped me to hear why He didn't rescue me in the way that I longed for.

Instead of finding a hollow, useless God, I've learned that God is more compassionate, more kind, more wise, and more powerful than I originally thought. I also found out that he cares about me in a very personal way and loves me more deeply than I ever would have thought possible. God does not leave us alone. He is with us in everything--even the most horrifying moments.

I also learned:

God doesn't force people to do things; he invites them. We are not puppets--and neither are abusers. We all have free will. So sin happens.
God abhors oppression and bondage. He hates violence.
God is just, and justice will be done. God is never fooled. Mercy will be given to those who seek God--and justice will be given to those who cling to evil and refuse to seek God with sincerity.
God instructs husbands and wives to treat each other well.
God is never wrong, never fails, never lies, never breaks promises, and never abuses.
God understands us better than we understands ourselves.
God is good.
God is pleased when we talk to him, even when we're mad.

Interview Notice

2009-04-22T12:55:00.002-05:00

Today I will be interviewed on blogtalkradio at 2 PM on the Susan Murphy Milano show. Susan is an advocate for victims of domestic violence. She is hosting a discussion with a pastor, myself, and herself. If you are interested but are unavailable don't worry. Blogtalkradio allows you to access programs afterwards. Hear the interview any time at blogtalkradio.com/susanmurphymilano.

A Time to Act Quickly

2009-04-20T23:35:00.004-05:00

Denial puts life into slow motion. It slows down our response time--as our filter between ourselves and reality interferes with direct processing.

I remember taking forever once to pour a glass of ice tea, because being in the presence of one of my abusers had me moving like a sloth. I don't know what was said before I went to pour the tea, that information has been forgotten. But I do remember wondering what was wrong with me. Why was I moving so slowly? My subconscious already knew why, but my conscious mind was clueless.

I remember another time of staring at a bruise unable to remember how I got it. That was in the morning. It wasn't until that evening, when I suddenly knew where the bruise came from--my husband had squeezed that spot really hard just the day before. There is nothing wrong with my cognitive skills. The tremendously slow remembering rate was due to the power of my denial rather than the weakness of my mind.

Denial helps protect us from what we are afraid we cannot handle. And generally speaking, denial can melt away at the perfect time--when you are stronger or in a better place to process the facts of the abuse and your feelings about it.

But, if you know someone who is being abused physically by her or his partner and has been threatened by their partner with a weapon or has been delivered a murder threat, time has run out for your friend to move slow. It is time to do everything in your power to get this friend to understand that she/he is in real danger.

Try asking direct questions ("Do you really believe...), share your story of surviving abuse and your recovery journey, help your friend to depersonalize the situation by having her/him think about what he/she would say if you were the one in her/his situation.

Sharing these facts may help you to persuade your friend that the danger is real:

In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims. [Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf]
Access to firearms yields a more than five-fold increase in risk of intimate partner homicide when considering other factors of abuse, according to a recent study, suggesting that abusers who possess guns tend to inflict the most severe abuse on their partners. [ Jacquelyn C. Campbell et al., Risk Factors For Femicide in Abusive Relationships: Results From A Multi-Site Case Control Study, 93 Am. J. of Public Health 1089, 1092 (2003), abstract available at http://www.ajph.org/cgi/content/abstract/93/7/1089]
Of females killed with a firearm, almost two-thirds were killed by their intimate partners. The number of females shot and killed by their husband or intimate partner was more than three times higher than the total number murdered by male strangers using all weapons combined in single victim/single offender incidents in 2002. [The Violence Pol'y Ctr., When Men Murder Women: An Analysis of 2002 Homicide Data: Females Murdered by Males in Single Victim/Single Offender Incidents, at 7 (2004), available at http://www.vpc.org/studies/wmmw2004.pdf]

But, never forget, it is not your job to make another do something. No matter how much you care about this friend you cannot make her/him take quick action. Her/His denial stacks the deck against you, unfortunately. You can try to help, but you cannot protect this friend from her/his choices. Then again, your attempt to help may save a life.

Cutting through the Fog

2009-04-18T18:28:00.003-05:00

Fog blurs the landscape, making it all soft and indistinct. Yesterday, fog enclosed our home. In the close distance snow fell creating a beautiful winter wonderland. But beyond the fog, we couldn't tell what was going on. We were an island and it felt snug. I found myself assuming that everywhere out there, beyond the fog, must be snowing too. The funny thing is when the fog lifted this morning we saw that our mountain was covered--but down in the valley they didn't receive any white stuff at all.

It reminded me of living in a fog while I lived with abuse. Especially my years as an abused wife. I used to feel "foggy" frequently. My brain power just seemed to shrivel. I often felt like I didn't know what had just happened. Everything felt so confusing and unclear. I could have sworn I knew something, and then I didn't. I walked around not really feeling fully present. I didn't even know how I felt. I was numb. I was shut down.

The first months after I left abuse, I felt shocked and thrilled to see so clearly. The confusion dropped away. The fog evaporated at a fairly steady rate. I re-discovered that not everyone lives in fear. Not everyone is frequently attacked verbally and/or emotionally by the one who supposedly loves them most. Not every home is a danger zone. Not everyone is on high alert all the time.

I wanted the life of new possibilities that I saw beyond the fog. I was timid and unsure of myself, to be sure, but I knew that I could never again settle for an abusive relationship. I decided that I would learn to face everything head on, and leave foggy denial far behind.

Have you experienced the disorientation of dwelling in a foggy land of denial? Have you made any decisions concerning denial?

How an Abuser Tricks You with Apologies

2009-04-15T11:24:00.005-05:00

I used to assume that any apology from my first husband was a sign that he was willing to change his behavior. As the apologies stacked up, I thought he was trying but just wasn't having much success. Regardless of my conscious thoughts, my emotions took each apology to mean that from now on there was a fresh start, signifying a significant new shift in commitment and behavior.

It didn't matter how optimistic I was, however. Near the very end of our relationship, I knew he'd never change-- not unless he sought help and then fully engaged in the healing process. When I went to a domestic violence shelter and began an educational class on abuse dynamics, he began participating in an abuser support group. My battered hopes soared once again. Maybe, this last apology had been real, maybe now he'd change. It turned out that he spent his sessions lying, recoloring what had happened to make himself look like the concerned, overconscientious guy who was married to a paranoid, oversensitive gal. He was committed to damage control, not to repentance and growth.

Perhaps you've been on a similar roller coaster ride that involves apologies. How do abusive people trick normal intelligence people (and even above average intelligence people) into believing insincere apologies? I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or sociologist. I have no studies proving my ideas, but for what it's worth here are some things I've observed.

Abusive people regularly, even habitually, use our assumptions against us.

They know that we believe that we aren't "stupid enough" to be manipulated.

They know that we want to believe that our partner or parent is a good person.

They know that is the human tendency to assume that others are telling us the truth, especially if they are in our inner circle.

With these assumptions in place they have plenty of room to work on us. Following are some tricks of the trade.

1. They dangle a pretty lure:

They make an apology a romantic production.They sweep us away with romance and chivalry. The beast is gone and the prince or princess of our dreams has arrived. Romantic words tickle our ears and romantic gestures abound. We are bedazzled and assured that the other one who hurt you isn't real, this kind person is his or her "true" self.
They give great gifts. After "rough patches" or "tensions" have occurred, an amazing gift arrives. We feel touched. Who would spend such a lavish amount, if they didn't care?

2.They pull a bait and switch:

They apologize for nothing in particular. In the same way that readers fill in a missing word when they are reading an article, we fill in the particulars for them.
They apologize for the wrong thing. For example, if he bruised your arm he might say, "I'm so sorry that I was cranky earlier today."
The apology includes the claim that he/she has been trying really hard to change.He or she looks at us with a very earnest face. We are wired to root for the hardworking underdog, so we react. Our actual experience is that nothing has changed, but he/she insists that he/she is doing much better really and why haven't you noticed. You haven't noticed because it isn't real. But you assume he/she would be telling the truth, so you beat yourself up for not noticing the improvement and being "so particular and hard-hearted."
The apology is really about blaming someone else. We notice how quickly the apology turns to talking about work or other family, etc--but we discount it. We accept the half phrase of apology and try to catch up with the conversation. Or we object at the fast shift and he/she looks at us with shock and then hurt. How could we miss their sincere apologies? Don't we trust them and believe in them? The hook is set, we feel bad about doubting them or about not paying attention and we rush to reassure them.

3. They use a hook with a wicked barb:

They apologize in a way that makes you feel bad. After you complain about verbal abuse, she might say, "I'm sorry. I know that you're really sensitive. I'm sorry I'm always making you mad by saying the wrong thing. I should know by now that I need to be extra careful about what I say around you." The barb is set, you forget about what she did and worry about what is wrong with you that she needs to be so careful.
The apology is accompanied by emotional and/or physical withdrawal. The apology you are looking for after abuse is attached to the negative consequence of broken relationship for awhile. You feel an extra need for reassurance after the abuse, some sign that their is still love in this relationship and instead you get the opposite. It makes you wonder if hearing an apology for the abuse is worth it. You start wondering how you can make things better between you and them.
The apology is full of sarcasm and accusation. But if you confront it, their face and tone instantly change. How could you think they were sarcastic? You have no idea how deeply sorrowful they are at the mere idea of hurting you. You wonder if you are going crazy.
The apology is full of victim-ease. He just couldn't help himself. He is so damaged he just can't stand it. He is broken, so broken. He needs more of your love and help. He wants to do better, he really does. With your help maybe he can be a better man.

Any healthy person may be guilty of doing some of these things some of the time. But I believe that abusers turn these escapes from taking responsibility for themselves into an art form. Learning to observe your own reactions to apologies may be the fastest way to detect when the other party is up to something. Something that is not for your benefit. Consider trusting your gut more and implementing boundaries (such as "Let me think about this. Let's talk about it again tomorrow").

Seeing Apologies Clearly

2009-04-13T21:01:00.004-05:00

Apologies don't always mean what we think, especially if we've been in an abusive relationship for years. It is confusing. It seems like the meaning of an apology should be universal. But it isn't. We want every apology to mean exactly what we intend when we give a heartfelt apology: we regret what we've done and we are taking steps to not repeat the wrong behavior; we value the relationship and are willing to grow.

If we honestly examine our own behavior, however, there is a range of what we mean exactly. Sometimes when we apologize too quickly we're really saying: "Please don't be mad at me. I need you to calm down so I can calm down so I can figure out what I've done wrong."

When someone uses people and manipulates them to get what they want (a.k.a any abusive personality), apologies or lack of apologies is another tool at their disposal. Some abusive people rarely or never apologize. The lack of apology is another gesture that normalizes the abuse and teaches the victim that they aren't worth much. Other abusers use apologies frequently, promising they are sorry, so you should continue to trust them as a well-meaning person.

If you receive apologies from an abuser, he/she is not telling you that he/she is ready to change and grow. Instead, he/she is telling you that he/she wants the relationship to continue as is. The apology serves him/her and does not benefit you.

What is the payoff that such a person is looking for? He or she wants, and normally gets, you to:
--trust him or her again
--continue giving him or her access
--forget the negative parts of the relationship
--focus on the positive parts of the relationship
--get you to feel guilty for getting angry
--get you to perceive the abuse as normal
--get you to accept more abuse
--get you to lower your expectation bar
--get you to feel guilty about any thought of ending the relationship
--get you to commit yourself even more deeply to the relationship (sign that lease, enter a mortgage contract, go forth with wedding preparations, move across the country with him/her, start a family...)

Think about it. Journal. What has happened when you accepted his/her apology in the past? Did he or she change in any significant way? Be aware that some abusers change their m.o. (how they abuse), but they don't stop abusing.

In the next post, we'll explore how an abusive person successfully tricks people. We'll talk about the tricks that manipulate a normal IQ person, or even above normal intelligence person.

With Us

2009-04-12T23:22:00.004-05:00

Feeling down, tired, wounded, and/or angry? God understands. Jesus has been there.

Emotions can hit hard, making us feel alone in the onslaught. But, fortunately, feelings are merely reactions and signals. They give us information--but they are not stable, they are not a worthy foundation, and they are not signposts of truth.

Jesus lives and he promised to remain with us and in us forever, if we would only believe in Him. That is truth.

The recovery journey from the pain of abuse is different when we invite God into it. His knowledge of us helps us to see ourselves more clearly. His love for us gives us courage and strength. His peace surrounds our aching hearts and gives us a place to rest. His joy sustains us in even the darkest moments of remembering. His hope reminds us that we can press on in Him and expect good things. Do not grow weary, dear Readers.

Anger?

2009-04-10T11:32:00.008-05:00

I hate it when I get angry! I also hate it when anyone is angry with me. Anger is still an in-process thing.

I used to have trouble even recognizing my own anger. For over thirty years, I lived with people who discouraged any expression of emotion and I got used to playing by those rules. Then, I made changes, including deciding not to accept abuse any more. No longer living with an abuser, I swung to the other extreme and expressed practically every emotion the minute I had it. I didn't like that either. It didn't feel good for me and I suspect that it made my family uncomfortable too.

Now, I am trying to find the middle ground. I want to feel free to express myself and I want to be kind and intentional about what I share, and when I share it. Sounds lovely to me, but getting there is still awkward at this point.

I'm going to share what I still struggle with in the hopes that other readers can identify and will feel less alone:
--Sometimes, I don't recognize that I am angry until I hear the angry tone of my voice.
--Almost always my mouth goes dry in fear when I'm waiting for the other person's response.
--I always feel guilty right after the other moves on to other things, regardless of whether I handled myself well or not.
--I often try to make others apologize for hurting my feelings or breaking a promise or whatever. I do it by pointing out that they still have not apologized.

I hope someone out there in blog-land can identify!

The good news is that seeing where I still need to grow does not negate any of the healing that has already taken place. Long ago when I was mad, I called myself names and then numbed all feeling by staring hard at an inanimate object and shutting down (a disassociation technique). Later on, I was able to journal my feelings and tended to write a respectful letter to the other about what was upsetting me because I couldn't handle telling him or her verbally. When my parents or my spouse was mad at me, I did things like hide in a closet or under a bed or up in a tree. Later on, I stayed to face the person but I backed up whenever he/she expressed his/her anger and then I’d move forward when it was my turn to express anger. I no longer do any of those things. I feel much less fear than I used to. When I look back, it is obvious that I have come a long ways with God's help.

Each one of us who are recovering from abuse, need to accept that we are in process. Healing happens layer by layer and day by day. Each time, seeing a problem with clarity is the beginning of a new bit of growth and freedom. Whether or not anger is one of your damaged areas, I hope that you will be gentle with yourself as you go along.

I'm going to follow my own advice and work on being gentle with myself, too. I'm going to accept that the anger issue is going to take me awhile and be happy about the healing that has happened thus far.

Hyper-vigilance

2009-04-08T23:55:00.004-05:00

For years I was like an over wound spring. I was always taunt, believing that I must be on the alert 24/7 in order to protect myself from further harm. I slept lightly so I could be aware when my door was opened during the night. I tried to shower or bathe only when my dad was preoccupied or gone. I avoided my parents after their third glass of alcohol of the evening. I tried to never anger my parents. As a young adult, I tried to never leave our children alone with my husband. I tried to foresee what might anger my husband and then fix it. I tried to interfere when he was upset with one of the children. I tried, I tried, I tried.

I listened and watched for warning signs of trouble with everyone, not just my known abusers. I waited and watched for the worst to happen, hopeful that somehow, this time, I could avert abuse. Once in awhile, I did seem to rescue myself from a particular incident, but the overall pattern of abuse continued unchecked. I was alone in a never-ending traumatized state.

Looking back, my hyper-vigilance seems valiant and in vain. My self-protection efforts were just not very effective despite my conscientiousness. I feel compassion for my younger self who worked so hard for so little return.

One day I was simply too exhausted to continue. I gave up and cried out for God's help. he showed up and led me step by step out of abuse. I feel great relief that those days of continual vigilance are over. I feel grateful to God for rescuing me from such an impossible job.

Today, I no longer see myself as the prevent-er of pain, trauma, and abuse. With God's help, I've learned how to be more assertive and have stopped living with abuse. Even more importantly, I've learned that God is loving, good, and trustworthy. Now I keep my eyes on Him not on my fears. I watch with eager expectation now to see how God is going to help when life becomes challenging or painful. I'm not tightly wound up anymore, because I know God will help me in each situation. He can handle even the worst scenarios. he works all things for my good, helping me to become more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-29). I can rest now, because God is with me, behind me, before me, and in me. I no longer walk alone.

Generational Abuse♦

2009-04-07T10:06:00.004-05:00

Both of my parents were involved with my abuse. Recently I reflected again, wondering why they are the way that they are. Compassion took me by surprise. Were they too abused? And if so, by whom? I will probably never know.

One of the horrors of abuse is the way it can travel down family trees. It seems so wrong and unfair. Why would one family be so heavily bombarded with abuse?

Most people do to others as has been done to them. It's a horrible breaking of the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you). It is also far away from the Christian teaching to" Love your neighbor as yourself." Abused people don't know how to love themselves let alone others. Injured people, can wreck havoc and pain as they thrust their pain onto others. Not all injured people perpetuate the abuse, however. Some former victims try very hard not to perpetuate any abuse to the future generation.

But even when a former victim is hyper-vigilant, it does not mean that the next generation will not be affected. I liked it when others praised me for my journey of healing from abuse, often adding that I was ending the dysfunction right here--the family blight was stopping right now, right here. I assumed this meant that my children would not have to deal with any dysfunction or abuse. They would get to lead totally normal and healthy lives.

My assumptions were wrong.

Today, I believe that every generation of every family is plagued by sin. It is our human condition.

I also see now that a family's propensity toward particular sins cannot be changed by only one person's decision and effort to change. For one thing, a decision to change is a change of will and beliefs but that does not normally translate into instant and complete change in all related behaviors and feelings. For another thing, each child's full experience (including schoolmates, neighbors, sports team players, church family, etc) is unique and can include abuse outside of their home experience. Furthermore, each child is also their own unique combination of genetics and temperament, which influences how much they are impacted by any remaining unhealthiness their parents are expressing in the home.

The fact that I decided not to mistreat my children in any way, did not spare my children from all family dysfunction. I married an abuser. And despite my own sincere efforts to be a healthy parent, I still made mistakes. For instance, I said, "Shame on you" during my eldest daughter's first years. It was said to me and I automatically did the same, until the day when I suddenly really heard myself say it. I knew I didn't mean it and I did not want to keep on doing it. I changed. But the change took a little while before I never said that phrase again. Just recently I apologized to her for that and told her that she had done nothing to deserve such condemning words. I asked her if she remembered those times. She said it sounded familiar; she knew it was true. She was impacted even though its been over 17 years since I last uttered the unhealthy phrase.

This in no way negates the significance of a family member making a decision to consciously change their own behavior and end a negative cycle. Such a decision makes a huge change in the quality of life for that individual and it can have a significant ripple effect that reaches their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

My children have been impacted in huge ways since I divorced my abusive husband. Their lives are now much less chaotic, stressful, scary, etc. They have bloomed in the years since. They are happier and healthier individuals than they ever could have been if I had kept us stuck with daily abuse.

So, readers, whether you're a dad or a mom or a single--keep on making healthy changes. It is worth the pain and difficult challenges involved. It will have a positive impact on others around you. Just don't count on seeing complete eradication of unhealthiness from yourself or from others. It is unrealistic. Instead enjoy the blessings that you reap from the change process. Rejoice! Celebrate too whenever you see evidence that one of your hard-earned changes is blessing others.

Upside Down Lessons

2009-04-04T09:10:00.003-05:00

Dysfunctional homes teach upside down rules for living. Upon reaching adulthood, a child of such a home has learned beliefs about responsibility that seemed logical as a child but don't help them to lead healthy adult lives. Examples of such rules might be:

--I am responsible for others. It is my job to make them happy, not mad, not drunk, etc.
--I am at fault when another misbehaves.
--I am responsible for reading other people's minds.
--I need to be on the lookout for danger and prevent it.
--I am inadequate so, of course, I've earned any abuse directed at me.
--Hiding is my only responsibility to myself.
--My needs will be met by other people, if they so choose. If they don't meet my needs, then I am wrong about what I need.
--I am responsible for paying attention and agreeing when others tell me what I feel, think or need.
--I am responsible for other people's feelings.
--I must be perfect. Being perfect will prevent bad circumstances from happening.
--I must be in control. Being in control will protect me from harm.
--It is my job to fulfill another person's needs, both spoken and unspoken.

If you're like me, you spent great amounts of effort "being responsible" only to discover your ways weren't helpful. Rather they interfered with having close and meaningful relationships.

If we grew up learning upside down ways, what can we do? Ask God for help. Ask Him to show us how to see and change the beliefs that govern our actions. God can use our reading, observations, and participation in self-help groups and/or counseling to help us discover healthier rules to operate by. Such rules might look something like these:

--I am responsible for myself.
--It is my job to express my thoughts and feelings.
--It is my responsibility to choose how I behave, who I hang out with, what I do for entertainment, etc.
--When I blame others it does not negate my responsibility for my actions.
--I am responsible for managing my attitudes.
--I am responsible for meeting my own needs through communicating to others and/or my own actions on my behalf
--When I agree to do something for another I need to follow through.
--I am capable of meeting my responsibilities.
--I, like all human beings will fail sometimes. When I mess up I can apologize and do my best to make things right or better.
--No one can control all the circumstances in life. I have the tools I need to respond responsibly to both positive and negative circumstances.
--Others are responsible for meeting their own needs.
--Others are responsible for their own behavior, attitudes and thoughts.

Be patient with yourself as you learn new rules and put them into practice. Generally speaking, learning any new skill takes time and practice. Not perfect performance. Not flawless execution. Practice. Mistake-filled, repetitive, frustrating practice that eventually leads to acquired skill. Hang in there, the effort is more than worth the joy that will come with a life governed by healthy, right-side up perspectives.

How to Flourish

2009-04-01T10:43:00.005-05:00

"The righteous will flourish like a palm tree...and bear fruit, even in old age."
--Psalms 92:12 & 14

God is invested in our growth. The Bible says the righteous will flourish. According to the Webster Student Dictionary to flourish means "to grow or fare well; thrive; to be at the peak of success or development." Flourishing sounds great, but how do we get there when we feel abandoned, oppressed, and small?

Notice that the verse does not say that we might flourish, only if we've never been subjected to abuse. It doesn't say that our odds of thriving are dismal if we've been abused. No. We are told that we will flourish, if we are among the righteous. And fortunately, being among the righteous isn't difficult. We don't need to earn righteousness through our good deeds and best behavior. Again, no.

Being righteous is a state that is bequeathed to us for free, if we accept Jesus Christ as our savior. If we are Christians; we are righteous and we will flourish. We can count on it.Our growth is in His hands. All we need do is agree to abide in Him. Jesus said, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing...This is to my Father's glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples" (John 15:5 & 8). It is God who keeps us on the path of righteousness and cultivates our fruit bearing.

If we are practicing abiding in/living in our Lord, we've got guaranteed "faring well" in our life story. Living in Christ means we daily invite Him to be our Lord, trusting in Him despite the bad things we have experienced. Because we trust in Him, we fall more in love with Him as time goes by, and we become more and more desirous of obeying Him and choosing His ways as best. We allow God to do His work in us and through us. The changes for the better in our character are fruits and our actions that are based on trusting Him are fruits.

If we are currently being abused, we are living in our Savior when we turn to God with our tragedy. When we ask God for His protection, rescue, and aid we are abiding. When we trust Him to show us the best way to deal with the abuse, we are bearing good fruit indeed.

If we are in recovery from past abuse, abiding in God includes trusting Him with our healing, inviting Him into our dark places and following His lead. Following an invisible God is sometimes a challenge for us, but God helps us out with guidance from the Holy Spirit, with His Word (the Bible), church sermons, words from trusted people, songs on the radio and other creative ways of getting our attention. He is a gentle, good and patient shepherd, who willingly and joyfully leads us when we invite Him to guide our way.

Hold onto the hope of flourishing, even when you don't feel righteous, even when you feel frightened, or stuck in old patterns or too scarred to produce any positive fruit. Even then, keep your eyes and your hope focused on Jesus Christ. Our hope is secure because it is rooted in who God is fully righteous and totally faithful, not upon our fallible nature, our strength of will or our transient feelings. No. Rather, producing fruit relies on our powerful Lord and on His eternal truth. So go forth, dear ones, depend on your Lord and be on the watch for some fruit bearing and flourishing!

Child Molesters

2009-03-25T18:36:00.006-05:00

March 26, 2009

It would be wonderful if all child molesters were marked with a big red danger sign on their nose. Then we could easily steer clear of them. Instead, we must trust our gut and watch out for warning signs.

If a new person in your life seems very eager to spend time with your children, pay attention. Be especially alert when you hear yourself frequently saying "You don't need to do that" or "Are you sure?"

Pay attention if your child used to love spending time with a certain person and now seems reluctant. Children are shouting with their actions that something "yucky" is going on. Tune into your younger children's play. Little children play what they are learning. If your child is killing a specific teenager or adult friend with toys, chanting about hating a friend, or is playing in a sexualized way with his toys, or is using sexual words during playtime, your child is distressed and is probably a victim. If your child is excessively clingy all of a sudden, or has radically changed his/her appearance (baggy clothes or sexy clothes are typical signs), or is suddenly doing poorly in school be alert and calmly ask direct questions.

Remember that child abusers are normal looking people--in fact some of them look like especially good or kind people. Watch their behavior and trust it more than their words. Sexual abusers accustom the victim to little bits of questionable touching with "games," roughhousing, tickling, and play.

Trust your gut. If you don't feel comfortable with someone, then close off his/her access to your children. You don't need to prove anything. You don't need to even explain yourself. It is your job to protect your child the best that you can.

If you suspect that your child has been abused in some way, work on being available to listen. Children can only tell their secrets if they feel confident that you won't "go off the deep end" with a big emotional response. Help your child to feel safe with you.

If you find out that your child has been abused by a neighbor, friend, relative, or stranger, report it to the police and seek counseling help for your child (and for yourself too because it causes tremendous stress to cope with what your child has gone through).

Romance Trap

2009-03-25T18:05:00.006-05:00

March 27, 2009

Warning to all readers:
Abusers are often romantic and charming (at first):
They are quick to build a romance (wanting to spend every moment with you and get married quickly).
They figure out what you want and then reflect it back to you.
They will do their best to sweep you off your feet.
They will seem "perfect".
They are happy to give gifts or flowers or cards or whatever pleases you (although it may seem like too much too fast the charm quiets your inner voice).

So how do you know if this romantic person is dangerous?

You may not know for sure, but abusers do tend to show their hand, if you know what to look for.

Be suspicious if he/she:
--talks about his/her parent with unresolved anger
--tells off color, sexist jokes
--tells stories about his or her past violent episodes
--sites violent solutions to problems (may all be in a "theoretical way" saying what they'd like to do or would do if...)
--he/she ignores a boundary you set (no matter how small of a boundary. If you said you need to be home by 11PM and he or she won't comply)
--he or she tells you that you really don't mean something
--he/she "steals" physical touch in a way that unsettles you
--he/she is in a big hurry with relationship milestones
--he/she is talking marriage very early in the relationship
--he/she shows disrespect for your stuff (acts as if it is his/hers)
--doesn't seem to like any of your friends
--proposes after only a few weeks or months of knowing one another
--pressures you to change your mind in subtle and not so subtle ways

Give yourself time to think if you:
--Find yourself excusing his/her "little" lies
--Find yourself isolated from your friends
--Are swept off your feet, but you notice that you no longer have any privacy or alone time to speak of
--Love the attention he/she is showering on you, but all the compliments he/she gives are embarrassingly overblown (since when were you the most beautiful, the smartest, the funniest person in the whole world?)
--Notice yourself defending what you believe, think, feel, etc. in charming, flirtatious, little battles
--Discover after a while that this person seems wounded or broken from past relationships with very unreasonable or cruel people. You begin to imagine that your love could make all the difference.
--imagine to yourself that he/she will be less insecure after he/she receives your love

Remember that it is wise to take your time in a new relationship. You have as much time as you need to get to know this new person in your life. It is much better to discover something isn't right while you're dating, rather than after you've said I do.

Get Physical

2009-03-25T17:46:00.000-05:00

When working through memories that you’d rather not remember have you ever tried to physically release some of the stress?

A friend of mine bought used dishes and then threw them against a shed wall. The throwing motion and the breaking sound helped her to release anger that she had stored up for years.

Another friend of mine dug a hole and buried letters that she wrote to each of her abusers. The burial released a large portion of her grief and shame that had burdened her since young childhood.

Recently, I threw soppy paper towels at a piece of paper on which a large stick figure represented one of my abusers of the past. I wrote phrases all over the paper. Phrases proclaiming hurtful words and deeds committed against me, phrases naming my feelings, phrases declaring who I want to be, and phrases saying good by to the shame of abuse. I spoke truth aloud as I threw the paper towels. There was something satisfying about hearing the slapping noises and seeing the ink words running and dripping. It worked. By the time I was finished, I felt lighter and freer.

The sky’s the limit on what you choose to do to physically release some of your pent up feelings. I urge you to keep it safe though. Hurting yourself with a physical activity will not help anything. Borrow one of the ideas in this post or use your creativity to design an exercise just for you.

Consider having a trusted friend with you—you don’t need to process alone unless you choose to do so.

Stress releases hormones in our body—and physical activity, tears, and hugs all release anti-stress agents (such as endorphins) into the body. Try getting physical when it feels like the time is right. This tool can be an important part of letting go of the past’s burdens in a way that respects your needs, and also keeps you moving on into your future.

Please post a comment if you’ve had success with a physical way of releasing unwanted baggage.

High School Violence

2008-10-17T19:01:00.006-05:00

High School years are a time of growing, of backpacks and lockers, homecoming and prom...and for some teens a time marred by a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that spins into violence. "Approximately one in five female high school students report being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner," according to statistics. I remember when the stat was 1 in 6; the problem is growing larger or more girls are feeling freer to report the violence.

I have heard the stories of betrayal from many women and I too was raped in high school. I remember the sunny afternoon when my boyfriend tricked me into going to his home while his mother was at work. I called his home to check on him (no one had cell phones yet) because he had missed classes. He claimed he was so ill he he couldn't make it to the kitchen to get any water to drink. He had a severe flu and he wondered if I could come over and bring him some water.

We had been dating for almost a year. I felt nervous, however, about going over to his home without parental supervision, because he'd been pushing me the previous couple of months to say "yes" to sex. I felt I was too young and didn't want to have sex until I was married someday down the road.

But despite my feelings of caution, my sympathies were aroused. He must be so weak...he sounded so weak. What could a few minutes matter? I hurried over after school and called out to say I was there, filled a water glass, and grabbed a Popsicle for the poor guy. I headed for his room...but he wasn't there. Then he called out to me that he was in his mom's room so he could be close to her bathroom.A few moments later, I found out that he was far from weak. He overpowered me easily.

I'm sharing these details as an introduction to share important information with any teens or parents of teens who might be reading this post. This is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month and teen experiences of dating violence are an important matter that can lay the ground work for young men and women later falling prey to a violent marriage partner.

Did you know...
- teens are most often raped by someone they are dating, not by a stranger wandering the streets
- some teenage girls and boys are grabbed, tripped, bruised, or hit by their dating partner
- a beverage is frequently the delivery method for date rape drugs that can render intended victims defenseless
- violence in a dating situation is a traumatic betrayal that can send a teen on a downward spiral of lowered self-esteem and new behaviors. A drastic change in clothing (to either baggy clothes to hide behind or sexualized clothing), cutting, anorexia, sudden anger explosions at family members are some possible reactions.
- adolescent and teen boys can also be victims of rape at the hands of a male friend (often an older friend)?

If you're a teen who has been violated by a date or a friend, tell someone who can help. If your family is not a safe haven, consider talking to a school counselor, a doctor, a teacher you respect, a coach, or a pastor. Stuffed inside, the pain will only grow bigger and more damaging so seek help. If the first person offers nothing helpful try another trusted person. Dealing with the situation while you are young will help you considerably in your future. No one can fix what happened, but with proper help you can begin healing. Right now you might helpless and hopeless...don't give up; get help.

If you are a parent or friend who is concerned about a teen, consider sharing your concern and asking direct questions. If that doesn't reveal anything, you can give your teen an article or book to read that gives information to read about date rape and teen violence. Or you can give your teen some hotline phone numbers in case she or he or one of their friends ever has a relevant need.

For more information try:
--RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) 1-800-656-HOPE
--Teenadvice.about.com/od/daterape/Date_rape_what_is_it.htm
--kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/date_rape.html
--coolnurse.com/dating_violence.htm

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2008-10-07T19:19:00.004-05:00

Abuse kills. Did you know that more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in the United States every day?

What can we do about it?

Those who read this blog because they are recovering from abuse can share their story with others. You don't have to say much. Just acknowledging that you are a former victim will have an impact. Over the years women and men have approached me after church, outside my children's school, and after writing meetings to discuss their personal abuse situations. You don't have to be an expert to help by sharing your heart, any wisdom you've gained, and any hope that has carried you through to where you are today.

As a survivor you can also be prepared. You can have your local shelter's phone number and the national domestic violence hotline phone number (1-800-799-SAFE/7233) handy on your refrigerator and in your wallet to share with others.

If you are able, consider giving donations of time, clothing, or money to your local domestic violence shelter.

Each of us can make a difference.

Self-care challenge

2008-10-05T14:09:00.002-05:00

I used to only think about what I needed to do to take care of others around me. Not because I was born a saint. Not because I was a super strong Christian.

If you've been abused you can probably guess why I invested so much into taking care of others. I did it because I was trained from early childhood as a caretaker. It was my job to take care of others. And other's needs were always more important than my own.

On the bright side: I am kind and caring, willing to help others no matter what it takes.

On the dark side: I spent most of my life oblivious to my own needs and ignorant on how to meet my own needs.

Part of my recovery journey is learning to notice my own needs and then learn to care for myself. At first, the only way to do this was to look at myself as if I were my neighbor. Only by detaching and taking an objective look could I identify my own needs, because otherwise I was clueless (it felt as if I just didn't have any needs of my own). At this point, I can be more direct. Now I can ask myself "What do I need right now?" and often an answer will rise to the surface. I am also practicing asking "What would be best for me in this situation?" I am learning and it is increasing my self-care and increasing my joy. I worried in the beginning that such work might make me selfish, but I am not finding that to be true. I still care about others. The change is that I now care about my own health and well-being too.

How about you? Do you care about your own needs yet? If not, why not take on this challenge: Start asking yourself what you need or what would be best for you. Try it and see if it leads to good changes in how you do things.

Forgive Yourself

2008-09-29T10:38:00.003-05:00

We didn't ask to be abused, but healing from abuse requires forgiving ourselves for our reactions and our vulnerability. When we look back at our past it is easy to feel shame over both the things we had some control over and the things over which we had no control. It can be a tangled mess that we either wallow in or avoid at all costs.

Some of the things I have needed to forgive myself for include the following:

--not succeeding in my attempts to protect myself from my abusers (in reality, my experiences as a minor were beyond my ability to stop--but I tried to end the abuse and I judged myself for the failure. I needed to let go of harshly judging myself as a failure)

--the years of my life that were negatively affected by my attempts to suppress all memories of abuse

--marrying at 19 to escape abuse--only to marry another abuser

--the lies of omission that I participated in to keep the abuse a secret

--the decision as a teenager to not tell the family doctor about the abuse

--continuing to date one of my abusers for several more months after he raped me, giving him the opportunity to heap more physical and emotional abuse on me

--being unsuccessful in protecting my little sister from my Dad (I'd already been a victim as incest and took it on as my responsibilty to protect her from incest)

--the times I have not trusted trustworthy people because of my past abuse

--the times I have allowed lots of my energy to be sucked away in codependent relationships

--the times that I have doubted God because of my history of abuse

--over-reacting emotionally to something because of my past experiences of betrayal

--under-reacting to my internal cues of danger (which have been amazingly accurate)

--ignoring my radar that tries to tell me when a new acquaintance is prone to codependency relationships

--the years of blaming myself as the cause of abuse

Each time I forgive myself for a real or perceived "failure" I move forward in my journey of healing and claiming an abuse-free life.

You have your own list of things that are crying out for forgiveness. Abuse is not your fault--you do not need to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself. Resist being your own emotional abuser! Giving yourself the same compassion and forgiveness that you would be willing to give to a friend, or even an acquaintance, is not too much to give to yourself.

Forgiveness

2008-09-26T17:26:00.002-05:00

Abuse is like an uncollected debt.

A small business owner feels used when a client knowingly writes a bad check with no funds to back it and then won't pay the money they owe. As long as the owner leaves the account open, he will be reminded of the unresolved problem each time he examines his accounting books. His aggravation grows as he tries to collect, sending reminder bills and legal paperwork that go unheeded.

In many cases, the business owner eventually decides to report the debt as a loss or write-off, so that he can at least move the offensive uncollected funds to a different page or column of his ledger to lower his tax liability for the job that has cost him time and stress. Forgiveness is similar to a write-off.

Forgiveness does not mean that the one has not been wronged and it does not fix being wronged--but it does allow the wronged party to move on, without constant pressure to try to collect on the debt. It eliminates the ever-present reminder of the person who has been abusive. It helps one to move on with life, allowing the forgiver to stop obsessing about how to "make" the wrong-doer take responsibility and make restitution.

True forgiveness:
--Acknowledges the debt/sin that has been done
--Understands that the offender cannot ever make the survivor's life the way it was before trust was violated with abuse
--Empowers the forgiver to set future boundaries
--Releases the one who forgives from trying to "fix" the wrongdoer
--Frees the survivor to be accepting of her or his emotional responses to the whole ordeal
--Lightens the emotional load on the survivor's shoulders
--Ends the tendency to feel stuck in the past, allowing any continued processing of the past to occur on a timetable that works for the victim
--Promotes spiritual growth as we trust God to help us forgive things we didn't think we would ever be able to forgive
--Gives us peace as we realize that Jesus has paid for all sins
--Allows us to put our trust in God as the final judge of all those who refuse to repent of sin

Forgiveness is part of the healing process. But don't rush forgivenss. Review the post entitled What Forgiveness Isn't to help you avoid false forgiveness that scars instead of being an effective part of the healing process.

What Forgiveness Isn't

2008-09-24T17:21:00.004-05:00

I believe forgiving those who have wronged us is a vital part of healing, but I regularly encounter abuse survivors who are harmed by some well-meaning counselor pushing them to quickly forgive their abuser. I've also talked with many survivors who do not have a clear understanding of what forgiveness means.

Over the years, I've learned what forgiveness isn't. True forgiveness:
--does not assert that the abuse was "no big deal"
--does not claim there is no pain
--does not insist that the abuse is forgotten
--does not pretend that the abuse never really happened
--does not shield the abuser from natural consequences
--does not require telling lies to keep the abuser's reputation untarnished
--does not "fix the family" or "hold the family together"
--does not mean recovery is completed
--does not terminate feelings about the abuse (including anger & sorrow)
--does not change the abuser into a caring, responsible person
--does not demand that the survivor be a selfless martyr
--does not by itself make a survivor whole
--does not grant trust and access to the abuser
--does not have to be spoken to the abuser
--does not result in the victim feeling re-victimized

On the next post, I'll share some thoughts on what forgiveness does involve.

Interview with an Abuse survivor/Novelist

2008-09-22T09:25:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I had the privilege of interviewing an author, Beth Fehlbaum, of a novel that was published this month. Talking with other survivors who have engaged actively in a healing process always inspires me. Each story is unique, and yet we each have some things in common as a result of our past abuse. I haven't met Beth face to face, but I recognize certain important things about her: she is a survivor, she is courageous enough to face deep pain, she cares about others, she is healing from trauma, she is humble and at the same time is busy learning that she has value and worth regardless of how sinfully a relative mistreated her in her childhood. I hope the interview inspires you in your own journey of healing.

Tanya: Why did you write a story whose main character (Ashley) has been abused emotionally, physically, and sexually?

Beth: Courage in Patience came about, in a way, as a therapeutic suggestion. I have been in counseling for almost four years, dealing with my experience of being sexually abused as a child. About two years in to the process, I had been writing short stories and poems as a way of processing my feelings. One day, my therapist suggested that I try writing a novel. Initially, I was writing it for myself-- and the story as it is did not take shape until about four months in, because it was not until I was able to pull myself out of my head and be an observer to someone else's experience that Ashley Nicole Asher, age fifteen, came into being.

Tanya: What hope do you wish to give other survivors of abuse through this book?

Beth: I want other people who are on the same road that I have been on to know that they are NOT crazy to have feelings like Ashley has, and that they are not alone in their struggle to heal. Above all, I want to give them hope that they can make it through the darkest days of being on the journey to recovery, and come far enough to be able to SEE how far they have come.

Tanya: The episodes in the book that describe Ashely's PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) panic attacks and her skill at disassociating from painful incidents are vivid and authentic. If one of my blog readers were to read your book and its realism "triggered" a PTSD or disassociation attack, what would you like her or him to know?

Beth: That is a great question, and one that I do not take lightly. I will be really honest with you-- I am protective of myself with respect to what I read and watch on TV and in the movies so that I am not triggered-- and I hope that other survivors will also be protective of themselves. I sincerely worried about the possibility of triggering other people when I decided to publish Courage in Patience. At the same time, it is Ashley's story, just as we all have our own stories, and I felt it was important to tell it so that the healing that takes place would be just as true. I would never, never want anyone to be triggered by what I wrote, though, and if it does have that affect, please know that I know where you are in your struggle, what you are dealing with.

Tanya: I love the structure of your novel. The first 1/4 gives us an intense introduction to how Ashley is being abused by her stepfather and the remaining 3/4 of the book immerse us in Ashely's beginning healing process and the healing process of other teens with an assortment of different painful life issues to face. You could have made the book 1/2 abuse and 1/2 recovery. Or you could have done 1/4 Ashley's abuse and 3/4 only about Ashley's recovery (without the other subplots involving the new adults and teens that entered her world). Talk to us a little bit about how the structure ties into the themes of the book.

Beth: In creating the sub-plots, I was guided by this idea: "Nobody gets out of this life without a scratch." Ashley spent her formative years living inside her own head, and becoming an expert at disconnecting at what is painful. It was important to me that Ashley be a witness to other people's struggles and pain, to see that courage comes in all forms, and that all of the victories are realized when the characters lived in the light of the truth. Thank you; I'm glad you liked the structure. I love each of those teenage characters as if they were my own children.

Tanya: Ashley has to deal with not only an abusive stepfather but also a mother who does not believe her when she reports the abuse. I know this happens frequently in real life. Can you share with my readers what you've learned about how someone can cope with this horrible situation of additional betrayal?

Beth: I've learned that it takes hard work, time, the guidance of a skilled therapist, the unconditional love I find in my support system of my husband and daughters.. and that there are days that it still hurts like hell.

Tanya: I was glad that you did not try to have Ashley wholly healed in the three month period of her healing journey that we read about. Healing is a rewarding but slow journey for abuse survivors. What encouragement would you share with readers who are currently stepping out of denial and seeking healing for their battered hearts? What would you say to the reader who has already spent years working through healing issues but still struggles sometimes?

Beth: I am glad you appreciated that there is not an altogether "happy" ending-- but rather a hopeful ending. And, I'm working on the sequel to Courage in Patience now- it's called Hope in Patience. I agree with you-- healing IS slow. For those just starting on the path, I would say, "Hold on for the ride of your life." My therapist described recovery from sexual abuse to me in a few ways. One was, "It's like a roller coaster." Another was, "It's like walking, barefoot, from Texas to Alaska and back again." And, "It's like a walk through hell." I think most people who have been working at it for a while would agree that it feels like all three of those at once sometimes, and other times just one. It's NOT easy. It should be undertaken with the guidance of a competent therapist. You may not stick with the first therapist you find. And your journey may have stops and starts. Mine did. It was only when my life came to a critical point that I undertook the task and did not look back.

A strong support system helps immeasurably. There are going to be times that you feel very alone. But you're not. And that's a big message I'm trying to send with this book. With regard to people who are still working through the pain and still struggle-- well, join the club. As Bev, Ashley's stepmom says, "The side effects of sexual abuse are kind of like chemotherapy. You're going to have good days and bad days."

Tanya: You address self-injury desires and suicidal thoughts in your novel. What would you like to say to my blog readers who struggle with one or both of these issues?

Beth: From what I have learned, the desire to injure yourself and the suicidal thoughts are quite common for people who were sexually abused. But you don't have to act on them. I cannot stress enough the importance of working with a competent mental health professional. Don't try to be your own brain surgeon. This is too important an effort to try to do it, armed with just a self-help book.

Tanya: Courage in Patience includes some ugly portraits of hypocritical, judgemental, and unkind Christians. It is such a travesty when any religion is twisted and misused to abuse others. It leaves deep scars. I enjoyed reading that ZZ's grandmother, who urges mature and compassionate responses to the horrors of racism, carried her Bible into a meeting populated by a misguided group of people being led by a corrupt preacher. Would you like to share something about how faith can be a help or a hinderance in journey of healing from abuse?

Beth: I don't really have much to say on the subject, other than that some of the worst advice I got when I was in my early 20s and trying to start to deal with my "stuff" was given me by a person in a counseling center run out of a church. The advice was "Count your blessings" and "Forgive your abuser." I had not even started to deal with this stuff and I was being told to forgive? Unlike a lot of people, I do NOT believe that forgiveness of the people who were supposed to love and protect a child but did not is necessary for healing to occur. So, I guess I would say, anyone who tries to make that kind of forgiveness into some kind of litmus test for who's going to heaven (or not)-- is twisting religious faith into a toxic thing.

Tanya: What tool has helped you the most so far in your own healing journey? Is it something that is included in the novel?

Beth: Writing has helped me the most, along with a very talented therapist who, along with my husband and daughters, make up what I call my ROCK.

Tanya: Near the end of the book a character says, "I think there are a lot of us [those who were sexually abused as a child] in the world, a lot more than people want to believe. Nobody wants to think that adults force sex on children." What final thoughts would you like to share with those who have carried the shame and fear of sexual abuse and incest?

Beth: Even though it may not seem like it right now, you are not alone.

Tanya: Indeed, you are not alone, Reader. No matter what type of abuse you have experienced or who abused you, you are not alone. Thank you, Beth, for your honest answers.

Readers, if you would like to read Courage in Patience or would like to learn more about the author visit her blog: http://courageinpatience.blogspot.com

Triggered?

2008-09-19T19:18:00.005-05:00

What do you do if you are in the middle of watching a movie or reading a book and you are triggered? What do you do if your heart beat starts pounding rapidly, you break out in a sweat, and you are overwhelmed by emotions?

The first times these things happened to me as a young adult, I had no idea what to think or to do. I had buried the abuse deep down and did not acknowledge it consciously. My body and my subconscious, however, did not live in the same denial.

Those traumatic reactions gave me hints that I had things I needed to face. Now, many years later, I have opened up the closets and have dealt directly with many abuse memories--but I still feel triggered once in a while.

I've learned some things that help when I am triggered:
1.) The intense feelings pass quicker if I acknowledge them respectfully/gently. Recognizing that I am reacting to a present situation from unresolved past abuse helps me to take it easy on myself. I no longer tell myself that I am acting "crazy" or "stupid" or "over-emotional."
2.) I am less stressed when I remember that God is with me in the present and He knows everything about my life. I ask Him to comfort me, and to help me to remember what I need to remember in His perfect timing.
3.) It's okay to do something comforting while my mind is locked. I can snuggle under a warm blanket or go on a brisk walk or pace or talk to a friend or listen to music.
4.) After the panic has subsided, I can make an appointment with myself to explore what happened. I can choose to journal or draw or paint or talk to a counselor or a friend.
5.) The past is easier to face when I remember that it is the past. It already happened. I already survived it. It may feel as if remembering abuse will destroy me or rip apart my world, but I will ultimately feel much better after I examine what creates such big emotions.

What helps you when your body is traumatized by something you read or see on a screen?

Saluting Courage

2008-09-19T18:54:00.005-05:00

Monday, September 22, 2008, I will be posting an interview with an author, Beth Fehlbaum, who has published a brand new novel about a teenage girl's journey through incest and the beginning of recovery.

I am pleased to salute the author's courage in delving into a difficult subject authentically. This is not a biographical book but the author writes with the power of someone who has been there. I will be asking her questions about healing from childhood sexual abuse in the interview.

Being Kind to Yourself

2008-09-17T18:54:00.002-05:00

Being kind to oneself is challenging when you are in the process of healing from former abuse. It is easy to neglect your needs and be harsh with yourself.

Do you recognize this struggle in yourself? I sure do. I see myself denying myself the grace I give to others. I see myself neglecting my physical needs.

I don't have any quick fix. But I do have encouragement. As we focus on God, he heals our understanding of ourselves and helps us to recover the ability to love ourselves and others.

God is helping me to stop and ask myself new questions. If my child were feeling the way I do at the moment what would I say? do? think? Can I give myself the same loving attention I easily give to my child? What would happen if I were kind to myself in this situation?

Each time I succeed in catching myself in the old behavior and succeed in doing something kind for myself is a sweet victory!

Being unkind to ourselves perpetuates the abuser's work. Each time we risk trying new and kinder behavior we are participating in redeeming the former abuse damage. We can overcome and claim a much better life for ourselves!

To Stay or Go

2008-09-12T09:25:00.002-05:00

As an abused child I remember standing in my bedroom at around six years old planning my escape. I was ready to run away. My Dad wanted to do things with me that hurt and weren't right. Even at that age I knew it was wrong. But I couldn't figure out a practical plan for running away that would keep me safe. I had no money and no where to go. I was stuck.

Many years later in my thirties, I prayed urgently for God's guidance as I struggled to stay awake one night. I could feel crisis coming. Each time my eyes slid closed I could sense the danger. My husband had been escalating, the next round of abuse was hovering, it wouldn't be long. I knew the children and I were in danger but I didn't know what to do. Fears clawed at me. I felt trapped by my fears about what he'd do if we stayed and frightened by what might happen to us if I took the children and left. I was a stay-at-home wife with three small children. I had no money and no where to go. No one knew about the abuse; I doubted anyone would believe me. I was stuck.

In the middle of the night there was another confrontation when my eyes snapped open to find him towering over me in the dark, his eyes full of anger in the light coming through a window. The tension was like sparking electricity--ominous and dangerous. The explosion was inevitable. It would happen soon.

I cried out to God again. What should I do? And then God's quiet voice let me know that I needed to get my children to safety in the morning after he left for work. I numbly did just that the next day. Once we were out of explosion range, I was able to hear more from God. He was inviting me to consider a new question. He didn't urge me to continue thinking about my fears that pushed and pulled at me. He asked my heart to think about what would be the most loving things to do. Should I return in a day and pick up where we left off or should I go report to a shelter and refuse to return until the abuse problem was directly faced and dealt with? what was the most loving thing to do for my spouse? Should I let him continue abusing without any consequences? I felt the God of love urging me to make these life changing decisions based not on my many valid fears and the huge unknowns that terrified me, but to act based on love.

I didn't feel in love anymore but I was very aware that I loved my husband and extremely committed to making my marriage work. I wanted to be loving. I wanted to be a God-honoring wife. These very things had motivated me on a daily basis to hang tough through lots of crisis.

But suddenly, once I was out of the home, God was shaking my soul with questions about my willingness to love. Did I love my spouse enough to challenge his sinful behavior that had become our way of life? Did I love my children enough to protect them even though it might cost me my marriage? Did I love God enough to let him lead me into a future I had never envisioned?

Over the next week, I wrestled with God, with all my old ideas of love, and with my broken heart. At the end of the week I knew the answers. Staying with my abusive husband was what I most wanted--I wanted things to magically get better, I wanted God to make my husband see what he was doing and make him get the help he desperately needed, and I wanted my marriage to be beautifully redeemed to be a glowing testimony of God's power to heal the broken. But, the most loving thing I could do for my husband of fourteen years was to refuse to return to our abusive home-- so he could understand that the abuse was unacceptable. The most loving thing I could do for my children was to protect them from further abuse, no matter what it took. The best chance our family had for health required that I let go of trying to force the marriage to work and allow my husband the opportunity to turn to God for help. And if none of my marriage mess worked out as I wanted, I could best love God by trusting Him anyway and following Him wherever He was leading me.

Fear can sound so practical, but it does not enable change--it actually feeds abuse. Love has the power to transform lives.

My husband did not choose healing or restoration. I ended up a divorced woman with three children to raise. I didn't get the happy ending I unrealistically kept demanding in my fear. But I did get deep and wonderful redemption. God was with me every step of the way--my trust in God became stronger than I could ever have imagined. The broken marriage was a tragedy--but one that had already been forged by years of abuse, not by my courageous act of love. Love in action is never futile; it bears eternal fruit that far exceeds the pain of laying our will and our plans aside. God has been incredibly faithful and has built for me a life that is far better (more joyful, peaceful, and rewarding) than the abusive marriage I tried for so long to hold on to.

Don't Let Money Rule

2008-09-10T17:30:00.003-05:00

Being responsible with money is a wise attribute--except when you are trying to decide what to do in an abusive marriage or dating relationship. When it becomes clear that your partner is willing to injure you physically to try to keep control over you, safety becomes more important than worrying about how you will survive financially if you separate.

Financial fears are one of the top reasons that abused women and men stay in harmful homes. They hope the other person will get better and they can't visualize how they will make it financially on their own...so they remain.

It breaks my heart to hear the stories of people living in dangerous and painful situations because of money. When my children and I left my abusive spouse we had no income. I was a stay-at-home mom. I had absolutely no idea how things would work out financially. But when I felt God telling my heart that it was time to leave to protect my children, I left. God is our provider regardless of the existence or absence of paychecks. It may have been easier for me to leap because my spouse had already been unemployed multiple times during our marriage and I had personally experienced how faithfully God provides. It has to be much more difficult if you've been experiencing poverty already and are not sure how much God is or isn't helping. Perhaps more of my story will help. I left with my three children and rented an apartment with my parents as co-signers. We slept on the floor with borrowed blankets and pillows. But God consistently provided. I started a housecleaning business under God's leading even though I'd never considered starting any business, my separation timed with when my Dad received his first retirement money and my parents were able to help me with my basic needs for months, friends and family sent the children school supplies and gifts, the counselors discounted their rates, doctors discounted their services, people tipped me at the perfect times, neighbors thought of me when they moved and had food to leave behind, garage sales had just what we needed right when we needed it at ridiculously low prices, and fellow church members blessed me multiple times at God's urging. My kids and I had all our needs met by our gracious God.

Yes, we were financially well below the poverty line. But we ate three meals a day, every day. Even when it didn't look possible the day before.

And we were happier and less stressed than we'd ever been in our middle class suburbia home. We didn't walk in fear any more. We didn't have to hide tons of pain behind denial. We had priceless gifts--freedom, safety, and grace poured out abundantly upon us. God was in charge of meeting our needs and he came through with flying colors.

So cling to God and trust Him. Your safety matters.

P.S. And by the way, separating from an abuser is the biggest way (really the only way) that you can inspire him or her to get help for his or her issue with using violence as a power tool in your relationship.

EMDR

2008-09-08T19:57:00.003-05:00

When a memory haunts you and arouses your physiological responses as if you were back in the original trauma, it is extremely upsetting. Talking to others doesn't always work to take away such flashbacks. One particular incident of abuse tormented me for years--I kept seeing the delight in his eyes as my abuser saw my pain and my fear in response to his physical abuse. Whenever those eyes filled my mind, I was caught...lifted out of my present and stuck in a moment of horror that had happened long before. I was beginning to wonder if this memory would ever become just a memory. A few EMDR sessions with a qualified counselor turned out to be miraculous in transforming this trauma-producing memory into an old fully-processed memory of past abuse.

EMDR is an effective tool but I wasn't sure about giving it a try at first. I thoroughly trusted the counselor and had always done traditional counseling with her. I doubted that remembering while holding two hand devices that alternated vibrations would make any difference. I was wrong. The bilateral stimulation of the brain used in this technique makes a huge difference in how the brain can deal with a traumatizing memory.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. The technique developed by Francine Shapiro uses eye-movements or bilateral sound (with ear phones) or bilateral tactile stimulation (with vibrating mini-paddles or tapping)along with traditional psychological therapy. It is an eight step process that helps the brain to look at what seems too horrible to examine and allows the person to process the memory.

If you have traumatic flashbacks, PTSD, or feel stuck with processing a bad memory, consider EMDR. If you decide to give it a try, make sure that you are working with a counselor who has been trained to use EMDR.

Claiming New Territory

2008-09-08T19:44:00.006-05:00

Abuse bludgeons our acceptance of ourselves. Shame, false guilt, and ugly words tear at our perceptions of our value. Even after leaving abusive relationships of the past, I've needed to work on accepting myself.

I Will be Myself

by Tanya T. Warrington

I will not accept their words

Deep into my soul;

I am not selfish for stating my needs,

I am not too sensitive for feeling the pain of abuse,

I am not small simply because others took from me

I am me, after all, no matter what is said;

I am a caring person, who has been a victim,

I am a courageous soul, who has separated herself from abuse,

I am a maturing child of God, who isn’t done growing

I’m going to feel my own feelings

Even when someone tries to tell me I’m wrong,

I’m going to think carefully and trust myself

Even when others try to rush me,

I’m going to soar above my past

Even when others try to put me back in chains

I can’t change them, I know it is true,

But I can change my own thinking;

I can celebrate my healing,

I can accept who I am--

I’m ready to just be me,

Without paying heed to the old voices telling me I can’t--

Today, I will be myself

Keep it Simple

2008-08-28T11:57:00.002-05:00

My journal is a good friend whenever I am in the throes of an intense healing process. Over the years, I have filled over a hundred journals with words that searched the depths of my mind, heart, and soul. Recently, I've been filling up pages rapidly.

When we're working at a fast pace through old memories, changing old attitudes and claiming new beliefs it helps to keep our journal entries simple. Remember your journal is for your eyes only. Keeping yourself engaged in the process of growth is the crucial part.

Try these tips to simplify and stay in the flow of what the Holy Spirit is doing inside of you:

Record a happening you want to reflect on with as few words as possible, so you can get to the processing part as quick as possible. For example, Argument with F might be the only heading you need to focus on the disagreement you and Francis had over how to organize the church potluck. Getting your internal reactions is far more important information under the heading than writing a precise description of everything that ensued concerning napkin colors, coffee brand, etc.
Circle, underline, draw arrows to move around in your mind and on the page.
Forget sentences if phrases will keep you moving better. Feel free to use abbreviations and acronyms as well--you're processing not documenting.
If referencing a book(s) you are using as a catalyst, put a code in parentheses after the first use. Thereafter, just use the code. For example The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss (CITH).
Draw a line between entries made on the same day (instead of rewriting the date).

Be bold! Say exactly what you need to say in your private journal--for your own recovery from abuse. It's another step in honoring your needs and taking care of yourself. Healing is waiting between the covers of journals, especially when we pray as we write.

Learning to Heal

2008-08-20T11:27:00.004-05:00

Summertime activities and extra attention to emotional healing work have kept me away from the computer the last few weeks. I have been reminded of several truths again:

Time in the out-of-doors is healing. Spending time in God's creation leads to quiet moments of reflection, recreating relieves tension and stress, and sunshine elevates the mood.
When you are working on new behavior and/or revisiting old memories to work through things--it takes extra energy. To find balance you need to accept it and make more time for stress relief and rest.
Each time we confront old beliefs with truth and are making new behavior changes, we are making progress and fashioning a better life for ourselves. But while you are first confronting and changing--life feels rocky, challenging, and downright uncomfortable.
Old memories that are hidden for a long time feel so powerful when we first unlock them--it is intense! But the very act of facing memories of abuse that we were afraid to look at starts diminishing their power.

What lessons have you been learning this summer? If you'd like to share remember that you can post a comment anonymously without giving your email address. If you run into problems--a few people have let me know that they couldn't post--you can send me and email and request that I post the content of your email. My email is TanyaTWarrington@gmail.com; I hope to hear from some of you over the coming months.

Self-care Won't Come Easy

2008-08-02T21:31:00.005-05:00

What do you do when you feel too tired?

Do you give yourself guilt-free time to rest--or do you treat yourself with harshness and push on until you get sick? How about when you notice that you work longer hours than anyone else at work...because you never say no, never state any limit of how much you can reasonably accomplish? Have you ever felt like you are doing too much, but keep pushing harder and harder anyway? Maybe you don't work too hard but you treat yourself in a way that you wouldn't dream of treating others. Maybe you're impatient with yourself or tell yourself lies. Learning to take care of your needs will be a struggle if you are recovering from abuse. Abuse taught you that your needs don't matter.

But the messages of abuse are wrong.

Each human being was uniquely created by God. Each one of us is fearfully and wonderfully made by a creator who loves us. He urges us to treat our bodies as the temple of the Holy Spirit. A temple is cared for and treated with respect.

Of course, agreeing with the preceding paragraph does not make it automatically easy to take proper care of yourself. But it is a start. A very good beginning. When I fall back into driving myself too hard and acting as if I have an indestructible body without any needs, I need to remind myself that it is not selfish to take care of physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. I am honoring God when I treat myself as someone who is a member of God's kingdom--someone whose needs are normal and important.

Working Backwards

2008-07-27T16:30:00.003-05:00

Have you ever lost something and then walked yourself backwards through your day mentally, trying to figure out what happened? Sometimes walking backwards through other processes is easier as well. In the last post, I talked abut how beliefs influence our feelings and our feelings motivate behavior. Sometimes when I notice an unhealthy behavior pattern I am repeating, I start with the behavior and search backwards because I don't know why I am behaving as I am. I look at the behavior, figure out what feelings lead to the behavior and then search for the beliefs that fueled those feelings. To help myself examine an unwanted behavior I make a worksheet for myself:

Behavior I wish to change:

Feelings that lead me into this behavior:

Beliefs influencing me to feel that way:

Healing Formula

2008-07-23T13:34:00.003-05:00

Beliefs lead to Emotion which lead to Behaviors

Many counselors teach that beliefs shape our emotional responses and our emotions then drive our behavior. When abuse occurs, however, it shuts down easy access to internal information about feelings and beliefs. It is a survival mechanism to help one survive overwhelming trauma. A major key to healing is to begin noticing how we behave, name our feelings and identify our beliefs that are driving us. New beliefs can be chosen and that in turn will change our feelings and our behavior choices.

I believe each human being has her/his own unique combination of responses to abuse. Certain universal patterns of victim behavior have been identified by psychologists but exactly how your thinking has been shaped by abuse incidents has individual personality wrapped up along with it. For maximum healing, you need to be willing to do detective work within yourself to figure out what you believed when you were abused.

To give you an idea of how complex it can be, here is a chart I’ve put together to show just a few typical victim behaviors and possible beliefs:

Belief	Distrusts	Other Feelings	Current Behavior
Everyone is dangerous.	Others	Fear	Dresses in loose, baggy clothing and picks an ugly hairstyle.
Everyone is dangerous.	Others	Anger	Is suspicious and frequently gets in fights.
Everyone is dangerous.	Others	Numbness	Withdraws from “real life” with depression or compulsive behaviors
The abuse is my fault. I was too attractive.	Self	Fear	Keep extra weight on to hide beauty.
The abuse is my fault. I wanted to be loved.	Self	Anger	Dress provocatively or flirt incessantly.
The abuse is my fault. I wanted to be loved.	Self	Anger	Refuse to love anymore.
The abuse is my fault. I was too weak.	Self	Fear	Obsessive with weight lifting.
I will never be a victim again.	Others	Fear & Anger	Earn black belt
I will never be a victim again.	Others	Fear & Anger	Become cold and prickly around others.
I am bad.	Self	Worthlessness	Abuse self with addictions or self-injury
I cannot deal with the pain.	Self	Fear	Become mentally ill.
I cannot deal with the pain.	Self	Fear	Become alcoholic.
I cannot deal with the pain.	Self	Fear	Become a workaholic.

Healing begins in earnest when we can truthfully examine ourselves. How we felt or what we believed at the time of the abuse does not need to remain fixed. By changing what we believe, we can change how we feel about the abuse in the present and how we will behave in the future: Changed Beliefs leads to New Feelings which leads to Healthier Behavior.

Movie Therapy

2008-07-18T10:51:00.004-05:00

Good movies affect our emotions. Remember the last movie that brought a smile or deep belly laughter? Can you think of movies that lift your spirits or move you to tears? Why not use movie-watching to help along your healing process?

When you need to cry but just can't, rent a tear-jerker.

When you need to lighten up and put hard emotional work on the shelf for an evening, try comedy. Try G and PG movies--family movies and old Bob Hope, Danny Kaye, Lucille Ball, or Jerry Lewis movies. Honor your sense of humor. Don't force slapstick humor on yourself if intellectual humor is more your style. If you always thought it was more acceptable to enjoy verbal-jousting humor but you truly enjoy silly humor best--liberate your silly streak. If you are down but know you won't be able to laugh yet, try a movie that has a good-feeling ending (movies where characters overcome some obstacle).

For current movies, take the time to read movie reviews and ratings to maximize your chances of reaching your emotional goal. Ask God to help you to find the right movie. Remember, laughter is very healing--if the reason for laughing does not feel "wrong."

If you have suffered sexual abuse, I urge you to stay away from sexual humor and R or X ratings. Your goal is to help yourself relax and laugh, not to trigger gross feelings, bad memories, flashbacks, or PTSD panic (post traumatic stress disorder). If you were verbally abused, I would recommend staying away from humor that is based on cussing or making fun of others. If you are a Satanic ritual abuse survivor, then I would recommend staying away from any movie that includes sex, supernatural powers, or a demonic being. If you were abused by an alcoholic, then "drinking party" humor probably will not be humorous for you. Respect yourself and your past as you watch movies. If you pick a movie that you thought would be fine and it has content that is unexpected and upsetting--give yourself permission to walk out of the theater or turn off the vcr/dvd and then journal or talk to a friend about what upset you. After you are feeling better, you can watch a movie you have seen before and know is helpful.

Give it a try. Watching a good movie is a great tool to add to your healing toolbox.

Here are some movies that consistently move my emotions (just remember that your taste might be quite different than mine):
Sad: Steel Magnolias, Old Yeller, The Long Walk Home, We are Marshall
Funny: Princess Diaries, The Inspector's General (with Danny Kaye), Sahara, Singing in the Rain, Hitch, The Court Jester, Sister Act, RV, Short Circuit, While You Were Sleeping
Good-feeling/inspiring: The Rescuers, Cool Runnings, Pride, Freedom Writers (also sad parts and people overcoming abuse), Heidi, Sound of Music, Radio, The Cutting Edge, The Mighty Ducks, Miracle, Hoosiers, Last Holiday
Sad moments and funny moments, ends happily: Galaxy Quest, Kate and Leopold, The Bells of St. Marys, It's a Wonderful Life, No Reservations, The Pursuit of Happiness, You've Got Mail, Groundhog Day, Three Musketeers (Disney)

What if...

2008-07-15T12:27:00.002-05:00

Many inventions, novels, and businesses have been birthed from someone asking, “What if…?” Recently I asked myself questions about what would happen if I tried out some new behaviors, what if… I can tell already the questions are going to lead to more healing and character growth.

I’m wondering how much my relationships might improve if I stopped making excuses for people when they behave poorly. What if I didn’t “rescue them” (in order to save myself from feeling angry or hurt)? I thought I had gotten rid of all codependent thinking years ago, but this behavior still crops up.

That first question made me realize that another related remnant from the past needs addressing too. What if I stopped monitoring family members’ emotions too closely, while simultaneously losing touch with my own feelings? It’s no longer a daily behavior. But when I am stressed, it is so easy to slide down into the old way of coping. What if I worked once again on staying tuned into my own state, especially when I am stressed? I bet it would improve my relationships. I know it would increase my ability to meet my own needs properly.

Just asking the questions has me motivated to do some more learning and growing. How about you? Do you also have self-protection behaviors you want to explore? “What if…?” is a great tool to get you started.

Power

2008-07-08T17:19:00.002-05:00

Abuse convinces us that we are powerless to help ourselves and, at the same time, leads us to believe we have more power over others than we really do. Ironic, isn’t it. Most abuse victims and survivors struggle with assuming full responsibility for other people’s actions. The truth is that we are not that powerful.

We cannot make others do anything. Ask any parent of teens. They can influence by giving loving encouragements and appropriate consequences. But they cannot guarantee that their child will not buy cigarettes.

Each person operates within their own free will (consciously or unconsciously). It is not our sole responsibility when a relationship succeeds or fails—relationship implies two people are involved. It is not within our power to dictate the thoughts, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, and actions of anyone besides ourselves. We do not make other people abuse us. What we wore or thought or said on a particular day did not turn a non-abusive person into a sex-offender, batterer, or incest perpetrator.

Repeat to yourself, “I cannot control an abusive person. I can make better choices for myself.” You have the power to decide many things that could change your future, including who to share your thoughts with, when to walk away from verbal junk, where to live and with whom, whether to cover for an abusers lies, when to seek help, etc.

When we focus on trying to control other people’s choices we waste our power. To truly experience life-changing impact we must consciously direct our own choice-making. We can help ourselves and influence others—when we are courageous enough to make decisions about what we will and will not do.

God is Here

2008-07-01T18:02:00.004-05:00

Abuse damages our ability to trust anyone. When significant people in our lives abuse us, it twists our walk with God. It is easy for victims to put God in the same group with those who have let us down. We wonder why he let others do wicked things to us. We tend to fear that God may approve with how others have misused us. Even if we manage to trust God to a certain extent (like believing that He will let us into heaven after we die), we are haunted by distrust. He loves us, we accept that--but will he help us?

Help is what so many of us wanted but were afraid to ask for directly. And the few victims who do ask God for help are often frustrated at the type of help He offers.

Sometimes when we want miraculous intervention, God gives us His presence and His strength to overcome the horrible trials. Sometimes we are praying for action right now, and instead God sets in motion a slow journey out of abuse and into healing. Sometimes we ask God to save our broken marriage or to set us free from abusive parents, and instead, God focuses on redeeming our relationship with Him. He answers our requests for help from His big picture perspective.

The Bible is full of God's reassurance that He is with us always. He is ready to help, we just need to ask. When we ask, however, we need to trust Him. We need to believe that He is good and that He has a good plan. If we feel unable to trust so deeply, however, we still have hope. We can ask God to enable us to trust Him. He knows why it is challenging for abuse victims to trust and He is happy to strengthen our faith. He can help us to be fearless in trusting him.

"God is there, ready to help;
I'm fearless no matter what.
Who or what can get to me?”

Hebrews 13:6 (The Message Bible)

Two Faces of Coping

2008-06-27T21:53:00.004-05:00

Inside Perspective of Coping:

Doing just fine
Can't remember much
Of the wounds
Hiding the scars
Pushing ahead
No one can hurt me
I'm on guard
My walls built high
Heart's encased

Outside Perspective of Coping:

Barely hanging on
Bound by the past
All about wounds
Oozing bitterness
Dragging burdens
Easily offended
Uptight and rigid
Difficult to know
Self-focused

Boundaries (Part 4)

2008-06-23T22:46:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed abusers don't respond to boundaries in the same ways that healthy people do?

For people who respect others, encountering a boundary can cause some initial surprise and upset, but then they are supportive of the other's needs. They care about how their behavior is affecting the other.

But with abusers a boundary is information to use against the other person. If their victim is sensitive about something then it becomes an important tool or weapon in the abuser's hands.

For example, if a wife said, "It's really important to me to arrive to church early, a respectful partner might say, "It's not as important to me, but I am willing to make a special effort to get us there 10 minutes before the start of service" or he might say," why don't we go in separate cars on Sundays when I am running behind schedule so that you can get there when you need to." An abusive spouse, on the other hand, might regularly work to get to church late once he learns of her preference. He might do it by picking a fight, by waiting until the expected departure time to begin dressing for church, or by asking her to do things that make her run late and then attack her for making them late again. Or he might make a big production of getting there at the time she requested but finding ways to punish her by making the children angry at her over it, mocking her for her uptightness, or playing the martyr to "her demands."

Learning to assertively state our needs and wants is essential, but be forewarned that abusers will instinctively resist and tromp on boundaries.

Boundaries (Part 3)

2008-06-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

How do we know if we are succeeding in implementing boundaries? My biggest clue is that I feel uncomfortable and almost mean when I work to clarify a boundary that someone continually tries to step on or over. But when I re-examine my words and actions, I find I didn't do or say anything mean.

It feels uncomfortable because I am not giving in to the other's demands anywhere near as much as I did when I was younger.
It feels almost mean because now I can do something for myself instead of focusing exclusively on the other's desires.
It feels strange to say "no" because I still need to say it more frequently.

I tend to feel fine while I say my honest answer, but then old tapes quip the guilt messages. But that's okay, the tapes are wearing out, the messages aren't so loud and clear anymore. I know I like boundaries and that they are good.

May God bless each of us on our journey of learning to use the word "no" appropriately. May he equip us to make our boundaries functional.